Famous Bank Robber Stimulates Forest City With Endowment

13 Mar, 2013

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We asked Agent Lester Ness of the FCDBI (Forest City of Dreams Bureau Investigators) department about the famous robber known as Penis Gun Steve and he sang us a Shania Twain song. We know why and we need your help.

ROCK-O-FORD, IL – The FCDBI (Forest City Dream Bureau Investigators) and local RKFDP (Rockford Dream Police) are searching for a man dubbed “Penis Gun Steve”.  Steve is believed to have robbed two banks earlier this year and attempted to rob a third Friday while brandishing a pistol that resembles a long penis.

“A very long mulato penis, I think. I don’t know!  It was so bright in the bank! LOL,”  said a jovial robbery witness, Rita Smith.  “Obviously I was impressed with the gun’s length, as were the bank tellers.  To say it stunned us would be an afterthought.  If I weren’t in love with my boyfriend, I would’ve offered myself up as Bonnie to Steve’s Clyde.”

 

“The first robbery took place Jan. 3 at a crappy no name bank branch in the Grand Hills neighborhood of the Rock River Valley,” according to a statement forwarded by the RKFD Dream Police Task Force Development Team Captain, Sgt. Chip Weathersteinarini .

The same man is believed to have robbed a Wells Fargo in Peoria of Illinois on Feb. 18, and attempted to rob a NAARD Bank in Beloit of Wisconsin on March 8.

“Both banks are strangely located in the midwestern region of the YOU$A™,” said FCDBI Agent Lester Ness.

During each robbery, the suspect ordered employees and customers to tie their shirts around their eyes and ordered them get on the ground and crawl really fast in circles.  While the victims slowly crawled around in circles, some took off all their clothes while Steve pulled out a long silver pistol (which has been confirmed as a penis) and demanded cash in various denominations.

Bank surveillance photos show him wearing a sweat shirt with a hood, pinkish brown jeans, a face mask that resembles a crocodile, sunglasses, one black glove, and one Michael Jackson sparkle glove. “I’m pretty sure the glove is the same one Michael wore in the “Beat It” video.  I miss him,” said a Jackson fan and robbery victim,  Lawshondo Deltroy.

Penis Gun Steve also was seen carrying a black bag with a  leopard print strap in Peoria and Rockford. Authorities and homeless witnesses said he appears to be 30 to 40 years old by the way he walked and by the way he talked and by the way he shook his hips and by the way he quivered his lips.

Agent Lester Ness sang us a Shania Twain song when we asked for  more information about Penis Gun Steve:
“It must’ve been the way he walked
(Gone and done it)
Or his sweet, sweet talk
(Gone and done it)
I guess I gol’ darn gone and done it”

Any information on Penis Gun Steve’s whereabouts should be handwritten on an index card, placed in a stamped envelope, and mailed to the Rockford Register Star, Attention:  Barry Seversyn, Health Department at 99 E. State St., Rockford, IL 61104.  Please reference this story and Penis Gun Steve’s whereabouts as soon as possible.

– Jay Vanigan