Local Man Wakes Up Happy After Years of Bending Over For Rockford Area Morons

Local Man Wakes Up Happy After Years of Bending Over For Rockford Area Morons
" I've never met as many jerks as I've met in Rockford and it's caused me to be very unhappy with Rockford's human race. " - Lawrence Egon Spengler

“I’ve never met as many jerks as I’ve met in Rockford and it’s caused me to be very unhappy with Rockford’s human race.” Lawrence Egon Spengler

Rockford, IL –  This is a story of hope, change and progress for all Rockfordians considering a major change and move.  Lawrence Egon Spengler, 34, was named after his father’s favorite Ghostbuster, played by Harold Ramis in the popular 1980s Hollywood movie that co-stars our chief editor’s friend Bill Murray.  The middle name that Mr. Spengler’s parents gave him at birth has cost him a lifetime of mental abuse from Rockford area friends, family, teachers, co-workers and bosses until recently.

Lawrence told us via email that “I ain’t fraid of no ghosts but I wish mommy and daddy didn’t name me after the nerdy Ghostbuster. For years I’ve had to bend over and take it from Rockford area assholes who make jokes about Dr. Egon Spengler.  It doesn’t help that my glasses are like his and that I have poor vision and can’t judge a decent person from an asshole immediately versus bending over to realize it afterwards.  I’ve never met as many self-entitled jerks as I’ve met in Rockford and it’s caused me to be very unhappy with Rockford’s human race.  I never wake up unhappy in Peoria, Beloit, Milwaukee, Chicago, Freeport or Madison but when I wake up in Rockford I am still Lawrence Egon Spengler, unhappy from years of bending over and answering to Rockford’s wealthiest hillbillies.”

That all changed recently.  Lawrence began spending more of his precious time in other cities living and working there versus trying to find the silver linings in his hometown Rockford.  He also changed his name which put an end to decades of Rockford sadness.

“I’d love to tell you what name I chose but not on the internet.  It’s changed my life.  Women don’t ask me if I’m named after a Ghostbuster, they beg for my attention and call me their Lord the morning after.  They ask when will I call them. Text messages around the clock! Ha.  Men look at me and are afraid with my presence, especially my co-workers and my boss… they respect me unlike Rockfordians. Maybe they sense the Ghostbuster connection? Maybe they know that I am their Lord and that I possess powers to defeat ghosts with my thoughts?  I don’t know what the answer is but changing my name and spending my time in cities around people who have respect for my name and time has saved my life.  Honestly, Rockford is a very sad, miserable, mentally and physically depressed, poor community.  It took leaving that shithole of a city to realize that I am not the unhappy one.

Lawrence Egon Spengler, as his old friends, family, co-workers and bosses still know him from within the sewage-well of his life called Rockford, wakes up happy now as another person with another life in another midwestern city and says to those he meets, “Good Morning, Mark! Hi, Jay! What’s for lunch, Sparky? Wow, nice car and congratulations on the second home purchase, Holly! What do you mean by that, Gordon? Oh my, your boots are so nice, Jenny! I’d love to help you for free, Larry!  Hey Lori! Just call or email me, Ed!  See you tomorrow, Jerrid!”

You will learn more when we know less.™

– Ron Kites



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