Roundabout Counting on Starbucks For a “Boost in Business”

Roundabout Counting on Starbucks For a “Boost in Business”



SERIOUS NOOSE = Real, original, breaking news that is much funnier and truer than any honest noose we truthfully make up to break. To learn about other Serious Noose winners, click here.

Rockford, IL – The much-talked about Main St. and Auburn St. two-lane roundabout may provide the west side of Rockford a little bit of economic hope according to the city’s roundabout engineer. It’s the first two-lane circular race track to be built in Illinois (or so we’re told to believe).  FOX39 News confirmed this past weekend that it is not the final dagger in the secret 40 year plan by our city’s politicians and property czars to kill off the west side of Rockford.  No, there’s still hope for a Starbucks according to the roundabout’s engineer.  Watch the story below.

SERIOUS-NOOSE_RKFD_Winner_FOX39-RoundaboutIt’s gonna foster some economic development potential here. Not only for the existing property owners but for some of these vacant properties that are around it.”, according to Mr. Vintner, city engineer. He also added, “We’re creating an identity for this neighborhood in this location. Which, in and of itself, people should identify, let’s go to Starbucks at the Roundabout.

Newscaster Phillip Reed and FOX39 in Rockford, IL, wins our third ‘Serious Noose’  award for covering this story in a manner that caused our entire news staff to want to hop in our car and head to the roundabout to wait for something incredible to finally happen to the west side of Rockford. Will we get the almighty Starbucks?  Maybe a roundabout hot dog stand?  How about a Red Lobster to replace what was once an empty Jungle Jim’s restaurant and the North Main Tavern on the west side of Rockford?  What will they do now with the mile long flatlining, heart-beat of the west side (Ingersoll) which is now known as a stretch of empty factory next to a country club?  Will they build a sports complex there?

You will know less when we learn more, or you will learn more when we know less. Rockford, whatever.™

– Ron Kites

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Write a comment
  1. Pookie 28 October, 2013, 10:52

    what is up with that reporters voice? That is hilarious! He could voice a cartoon!!! cute.

    Reply this comment
    • RKFD NEWS GOD Author 28 October, 2013, 11:04

      We love Phillip’s narration for almost every story he does. We don’t know if he’s having a laugh at all of us or not, but it’s got character whether he’s intending to stand out or not. One of the only reasons to watch the local news–Sabrina is really sexy. In a fair world with financial backing, we’d propose jobs to Sabrina and Phillip to head their own Internet show.

      Reply this comment

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