Affectionate Bear Attacks On The Rise

10 Oct, 2012

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According to the Forest City Bear Police Department, Affectionate Bears in Rockford, IL are known to go after drunk, older men at night. Above, a nice bear lures an older man back to his cave at Aldeen Park in Rockford.

Rockford, IL – The Forest City’s Bear Police say a Rockford man was assaulted last night by a grizzly bear. The report states that a man was walking along the Rock River towards home from a local downtown pub when a bear approached him and asked him for a dollar and some honey. The man declined, but the bear grabbed the man and hugged him… until he “had his way” with the victim.

The victim was let go from Turkish American Emergency room with minor physical and emotional injuries. Local hunters have been alerted and Forest City Police are scanning the area. Anyone who sees a bear is warned to keep their distance and call the police immediately.

The victim told this tale to RKFD News:  

“Roughly, he pushed his bear body towards me, ripping off my socks and undoing my pants. He placed his big paws on my face, moving down, down my neck, to my meaty legs (I have been riding my cool fixed gear bike alot). By this time I realized that I was too frightened to say anything, I then tried to scream, but he held his bear paw over my mouth.

 

The bear could smell the honey I had in my back pack, I think he knew it came from the 720 store.  The bear pulled a weird card on me, he whispered something in my ear about RPS 205 and I went nuts! My kids were in this district and I knew I had to fight for my life and their educational dignity.

 

Suddenly there was this fox. He ran over to the bear and punched him in the face. I was sobbing as he picked me up and ran to his den. “It’s ok. It’s ok. I won’t let him hurt you.” He soothed me, gently placing a leaf blanket on my nearly naked body.”It’s all my fault” I said. I didn’t fight him hard enough. I got wasted and forgot I had honey in my backpack. I should have known he would do something like that to me… I mean, I’ve heard the rumours, but I never thought… God… I trusted them.

 

The fox gently embraced me and said, “Don’t ever, ever, think it’s your fault.””

If anyone sees affectionate bears having their way with men walking home drunk from Rockford bars, don’t call the Forest City Bear Police, email us:  [email protected]