City Plans Wall Street Journal Bonfire Fundraiser For The Arts
Rockford, IL – Days after winning the Wall Street Journal’s championship for America’s most pathetic real estate market with regards to underwater properties, Rockford leaders have responded with a city-wide plan to ban the Wall Street Journal from ever ending up in a local Stop-N-Go.
“Next week at Davis Park, we are asking that every store owner that carries the Wall Street Journal comes down to Davis Park for a bonfire. It’s for the arts. All citizens are invited. Bring your history books–anything with facts–and your pride. Let’s show the world what math means to us. We can’t allow the truth to hurt our feelings!”, said that one local ad firm owning guy that gets all the contracts from the RACVB (Rockford Area Carrots & Veggies Board).
According to their website, the RACVB is “a private, non-profit organization established in 1984 to promote and champion efforts to make the Rockford Region an overnight visitor destination. The mission of RACVB is to achieve pre-eminent destination stature for the Rockford Region” and to cook pizza with carrots and veggies. RACVB is ‘privately’ funded by the City Of Rockford and features a logo provided to them by the City of Rockford. The City of Rockford is a public, tax-payer paid-for organization that provides each community member two free pairs of YOU$A™ manufactured metal panties. Courtesy of their sponsor, Derby | Reynolds. There is no confirmation yet on whether the local ad firm owning men are wearing their metal panties or not.
(Rockford math is confusing.)
Kegs of boiled river water spiked with grape kool-aid will be served at the bonfire because the City is still under a boil ordinance. All proceeds will go to all of the Arts, Housing, and Economic redevelopment organizations that are making Rockford feel better. Free bottles of water are available all over downtown Rockford. Get in your car and head on down. Don’t forget to bring your matches, gasoline and Wall Street Journals.
– Ron Kites
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