Breaking News
Bye bye 2021 happy 2022 rockford smells still New Year: Covid Update
People with COVID-19 have had a wide range of symptoms reported – ranging from mild symptoms
...0I Used To Be A Man, Now I Am A Sea Otter
Rockford, IL – Timothy Krill was his own man for 27 years of his life. A
...0City Leaders Ask For More Free Bedtime Geese Stories
Locals are wondering about the geese and why they’ve chosen to take up residency in our
...0Locals Reminisce of Burnt Building That Has Sat Vacant Since 1978
Downtown Rockford’s poor, old, brick Building (which sat predominantly vacant since 1978) has caused locals to
...0Expired Pasta Sauce Melts Furniture Beams at Downtown’s Huge West Side Ristorante
Provolone Ferne Ristorante Cucina Kök’s west side grand opening has been cancelled due to the horrific
...0Rockford Asks, “Why Don’t We Get a Fancy Pipeline?”
The controversial construction of the Dakota Access Pipeline is a call to action for many environmentally
...0
Mayor Reveals Quickest Route Out of Town To Len Brockner
Rockford, IL – Leonard “Len” Brockner, a 52 year old union painter, stood before our city council and asked a question we’ve all been wondering about, “What’s the quickest route out of Rockford to take if socio-economic conditions take over my mind, body and spirit before the paint fumes do?”
Aldermen looked at each other, laughing, and then to Mayor Barry Morrison for a serious answer:
“The wrong answer has always been right there in front of us, sitting on the bike path tucked between the Rock River and route 251 pointing north. Symbo has instructed us that we go north, though most misunderstand our leader’s directions to head north on 251. Wrong. We must not assume Symbo’s directions for exile. When faced with overwhelming adversary, debts, a less than average quality of life, undocumented unemployment and poverty, one must take to Main Street and head north by foot. Main St. will transform itself into Route 2, don’t worry, keep walking and never look back. Take Route 2 until you see the McDonalds in South Beloit on Route 2. Don’t be fooled, for you aren’t out of the evil grasps of Illinois just yet. Walk another block past the McDonalds into what magically becomes Beloit, Wisconsin. Wonderful question, Len. City Council votes to approve the quickest way out of town?”
The vote was unanimous. Len was happy.
Chuck Toncha
Related Articles
Local Swedish Man Likes Big Butts and He Can Not Lie
Rockford, IL – It took awhile for local native, Gerald Hennsliss, to realize what set him apart from other Swedish
29 Arrests Made in Massive Rockford Vision Ring Bust
Rockford, IL – 29 people have been charged with conducting “Vision” stuff. Real, original, excellent law enforcement agents helped conduct the
Happy Ending for Kryptonite Bar Owner Chris Wachowafcheski
Rest easy friends. I know how worried you were when you heard Kryptonite was closing. You’ve probably heard the rumors
Thank you for spending time with us on the internet. Please waste more time and energy by sharing your internet emotions below: