DIGGING DEEPER, LONGER, STRONGER: Newspaper Subscription Rates Increases With New Fonts and Magnum XL Text Sizes

Drastic design layout changes for all of the country’s daily newspaper print editions takes effect on October 1st, 2018. The changes includes replacing legible, classic serif fonts — Times New Roman and Baskerville — to local favorites, Papyrus, Bank Gothic, Bleeding Cowboys and Comic Sans. RKFDnews’ Assistant Chief, Ron Kites, digs deeper, longer and stronger to emotionally share personally truthful, anti-satirical revelations. Learn more to know less below.


Ron “Brad Fread” KitesAssistant Chief Reporter, Ex-Onion Journalist, Cold Truths and Anti-Satire Expert

Rockford, Illinois — The American Association of Newspapers (AAN) has announced its annual rates increase will match all increases in font sizes for headlines and body text.

Annual rate increases have synchronized itself with Magnum XL® font size increases since 1999. Headline copy must meet a minimum typeset size of 72 pts. Body copy, details, the news itself, must be set at a minimum 18 pts. There is no maximum type size. Less details equals additional font size increases to coincide with additional rate increases.

We prefer bold black headline copy to take up a healthy and strong 8 to 9 inches in height on the front page— and everywhere else for that matter. We know that’s not always possible. Some reporters come to the table half mast on facts and quotes. If that’s the case, we demand that larger pictures be taken and transferred from our journalists phones to be used to fill the layout space. We can’t afford to waste newspaper print space on factual details, news, stories. Quote verifications, research and ethical tactics don’t pay the bills anymore. Go big or go home. USA.” — Lortne Adorsio, AAN, Director of Social Media Marketing Content.

New layout changes are already evident within all of the daily published newspapers. The Rock River Times, a voice of the downtown community in Rockford since Ameritech (formerly Illinois Bell, now AT&T) once called downtown home for thousands of jobs that have since evaporated, has made a polarizing layout decision to replace all of their headline and copy fonts with Papyrus and Comic Sans. It’s the first major layout change for the RRTimes since its first published date in 1987.

It’s all about giving people what they pay for. Rock River Times is free, so this is what people get for free: Papyrus with Comic Sans. Papyrus is the present and future of Rockford area news fonts. Combine with Comic Sans and you get America, now and forever. It’s what people deserve. Times New Roman, Baskerville, and other classic serif fonts are so 1920s. We have to be better than that, and that’s what we’re here for: To represent our community with what’s better for them and the future of Rockford: Papyrus with Comic Sans.” — Keri Wenderbraedt, Senior Graphic Designer, Rock River Times.

RKFDnews reached out for another college-educated comment on Twitter by our little sister company, Rockford Register Star, which is owned by our evil godfather, Gatehouse Media Corporation, but everyone has been laid off, still sleeping, or is at a downtown cafe using a free wireless network to check their social media feeds while chit-chatting with City Officials, Movers, Shakers, All-Talkers and No Doers. No comment.

We also asked a few advertising and marketing firm executive professionals and directors for their over-paid, ego-fueled, short-sighted thoughts and prayers on fonts. They were too busy golfing or getting drunk on mimosas with clients. (RKFDnews decided against requesting anonymous comments about fonts from underpaid, overworked, overqualified and uninsured employees that need to work for these greedy, oft-privileged, lazy mother f**kers in order to survive.)

Fake news, half-baked news, paid-for PR disguised as news, civic pride marketing scams, Cheap Trick Fest, backdoor deals and inaccurate statements, lies, and every now and then, maybe the real deal. Who really knows anymore what people pay for. Problem is that the truth is too expensive.

That’s why we’re here: Proving you can have it all for free at the expense of pride and ignorance. Your pride, your ignorance, your city, your stories, you’re welcome.

— Ron Kites

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