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SPECIAL REPORT: Where Were You When Rockford Scanner Lost Its Sh*t?

SPECIAL REPORT:  Where Were You When Rockford Scanner Lost Its Sh*t?

ToiletBy Andy Whorehall, Guest Contributor

I was taking a mid-afternoon shit – patiently taking care of the morning coffee and corn casserole flow from earlier in the day– when a text message came through from a friend alerting me of local history being made:  “rockford scanner is losing its shit ricky go gone dunnit again check it out papa.”  

A warm seat already under me, I didn’t panic to return to my office to see what the Ricky from was up to.

“im taking a shit HAHAHA”, I texted back to one of my bowling teammates and friend, Leshawn.

Interested and still waiting for my movement to shift the last of the corn casserole, I hit up my ANDROID S4 FACEBOOK APP to see what the hell Leshawn was talking about.

(Ahahahhaha – y’all would think I’d give enough fucks to use an Apple iPhone – hell no, that shit’s for poor assed Rockford amateurs. Leshawn gave me a good deal on my Samsung S4 and threw in a free copy of Jay-Z’s “Magna Carta”.  What did you get with your iPhone?  A free record from Bono?!  Fuck that shit. Poor assed Rockford amateurs love Bono.)

There it was in front of me, Ricky losing his shit while I was taking a shit, Rockford style.  I’d love to quote the Ricky and what he posted on the popular Northern IL website,, and on their Facebook page, but I was taking a shit and didn’t screen capture anything nor copy/paste the amazing diatribes that polluted the internet during the time I was sitting on the toilet laughing at Rockford. (UPDATED SEPT. 24th, 2014:  WE HAVE THE WORDS, CLICK HERE FOR THE FULL TRANSCRIPT.)

A few hours later after I wiped my ass and flushed the morning coffee and corn casserole down the toilet to return to my office to work and then home to research this article further for my frands at RKFDnews, I noticed one of’s staff members posted a screen grab (thank you), here it is:


I missed all of it.  I hear from many people that I don’t really know on the internet that the post on’s website was comedy gold; but like I said, I was taking a shit at work when Ricky lost his shit on the internet.  So, in conclusion, I ask you:  Where were you when Ricky and Rockford Scanner lost their shit on the internet?

front-10Thank you,, for asking me to help waste more of everyone’s time with the rest of us on the internet.

In the meantime, please buy the shirt at the right of this page that the staff at has asked me to pitch to you by clicking here!

Also, before I forget and RKFDnews never asks me to write another article for their Pulitzer Prize worthy site,  I wrote a song about watching my somewhat sexy brunette neighbor undress herself for me on a nightly basis from her apartment’s kitchen on the top floor of her four-flat brick building across from my four-flat brick building about 14 years ago.

“Pretty Pervert”, hear it below.

She was pretty nice to talk to as well in passing from our cars to apartments or vice versa, but I never got to know her name despite our naked ways. Life was better that way.  She would come home from work and blast Sheryl Crow’s ” I wanna soak in the sun”, or the entirety of Fleetwood Mac’s “Rumors” super load–er, I meant, loud.   The latter record I enjoyed with her a few times. We used to leave the blinds open for each other if we brought our dates home to do naughty stuff or whatever.

Rockford, you’re a beauty.  Keep it dirty, loose, perverted, drunk, high, poorly written, corrupt and nepotistic – I wouldn’t have you any other way.

Bye bye and pet those puppies real good,

AW  |  Andy Whorehall

Tags assigned to this article:
andy whorehallpooprickyrockford scanner

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