Drinking the Rockford Flavored Coffee Causes Mental Breakdowns in Positivity

Drinking the Rockford Flavored Coffee Causes Mental Breakdowns in Positivity


Rockford, IL –  A new report that was released by the Museum of Science and Rockford Industry this week states that emotional breakdowns are on the rise amongst community leaders, artists, and public sector sheep who preach positivity as a solution for financial problems.  The cause of it all according to researchers? Coffee. “Not any old coffee, downtown Rockford flavored coffee is causing major mental issues,” said Professor Goldberg.

The report summary states:  “There is a void between the human head where the brain resides–the blind spot between the eyes where most of us focus to stare through our opponents–and the physical world where what is real and often too difficult for unqualified individuals to act on falls prey to emotions and socio-psychological tricks.  Those tricks are often disguised by thinking too positive,” according to Goldberg’s study.

He adds:  “The Rockford Coffee is creating a risky spike in positivity amongst individuals who were once leaders for change by rebelling and acting upon it, but now smile and pretend all will be ok if we do believe the grass is green.  What happens is the positivity  caused by the Rockford flavored caffeine wears off by nightfall, and the desire to get drunk takes over with hopes of continuing the high. For many people it creates the opposite reaction with extreme cases of delusional behavior–jealousy, critique of others who do not share same Rockford coffee drinking ideals; they who rebel against the norm and are rarely present or drunk to defend their ideals, but instead are sleeping and laughing at the rumors created in the name of positive transformation– which is caused by the coffee’s high positivity potency.”

1477400_397539193711437_197452412_nThe report mentions that extreme cases of positivity can cause anti-productive counter cultural effects.  Effects that include, “talking about solutions too much with too many groups of people who also like to drink the Rockford coffee.”  

Goldberg’s report also implies that counter-culture revolutions to transform societal ideals never work when the artists are nice or smiling:

Bob Dylan and Banksy wouldn’t survive in Rockford IL’s arts community because they have birth names to protect their personal ideals from being infected with the Rockford coffee. They wouldn’t make it a day here without writing the next hit record documenting a community’s decay from too much positivity and pride. Artists like them prefer making their own coffee to serve to the people who prefer their approach to transforming the poor peoples attitudes by speaking for them about their defeats and failures with caustic hopes for a better way of life because they are not talented enough to speak and do anything for themselves, which in turn helps transform a community one by one. More people need to pay attention without rose colored Rockford flavored coffee glasses on.  If one artist can cause one infected person to revolt against the Rockford flavored coffee’s side effects, they have helped lend a cure towards a major epidemic that can spread everywhere if it’s not stopped in Rockford, IL.”

Professor Goldberg concludes the Museum of Science and Rockford Industry report by stating, “If you are not as talented as Mr. Bob Ross, you are drinking too much Rockford Coffee.   This causes major brain problems. Start each day by turning off the local radio stations, avoid the local newspapers, make your own coffee–do not drink the Rockford coffee–and take a ride around town on your bike or in a car. Ride the bus if you don’st own a bike or car and take a look around town at everything–the roads, buildings, and people.  Notice their smiles, smile back.  Did they flip you off?  Laugh.  Say, “Oh hi! How are you?” and then look away before you possibly tart your day with a healthy dose of logic and reasonable doubt.

You will definitelylearn more when we know less.™

– Chief Tchad Beale

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