Breaking News

Poork Town: Rochelle Man Cut Off From “All You Can Eat Fish”, Files Lawsuit

Poork Town:  Rochelle Man Cut Off From “All You Can Eat Fish”, Files Lawsuit

Poork Town is a special series from that focuses on what makes our community’s egos, stomachs, necks, legs, arms, butts and heads so large, poor, and proud.


Rochelle, IL – Richard Beneger, a Rochellian native aged 51 and 550 lbs., filed a lawsuit against a local restaurant for promoting false advertising after he was told to stop eating during an “all-you-can-eat fish fry” last Friday.  Beneger says he was getting ready to move on to his “fifteenth piece of fish” when Thurston Howells, the restaurant’s manager, cut him off.

Howells claimed,  “We were running out of food for the other patrons.”  Richard denies he was served more than his ordered all-you-can-eat-fish portion, “We asked for more fish and they refused to give us any more fish… it’s an all you can eat fish fry for f*ck’s sake… g*sh dang Rochelle, ILLINOIS!”  Angry and still hungry, Beneger said, “I will not pay my bill until a full belly had been achieved.”

The restaurant manager offered another statement to our reporter, “Beneger’s eating habits have caused problems before.  We’ve offered to give the 550 lb. man eight additional pieces of fish if he agreed to pay for his food.”  Beneger was not content with less than “all-he-could-eat” and called the police. He later returned to the scene of the crime to protest his mistreatment. “I think that people have to stand up for consumers,” he said while sitting on his Rascal three-wheeler.

Thurston Howells and his restaurant staff weren’t dealing with the situation for the nineteeth time and called the police on Beneger.  He was tasered and handcuffed for disorderly conduct after violating and protesting all-you-can’t-eat restaurant guidelines.  Eight officers had to carry Beneger away and his rascal was towed.

Beneger vowed, “I will come back every Sunday to picket for my rights until the restaurant reconsiders what happened.  False advertising is a crime g*sh dangit. F*ck Freeport, to hell with Rochelle. I’m going to Rockford next time for all I can eat.”

You will know more when we eat less.™

– Jay Vannigan

Related Articles

Festa Pasta Vino – New Downtown Festival – To Feature Pizza, Pasta, Coldplay Songs

It’s no Symbol Festival but FESTA PASTA VINO is going on in Davis Park, Rockford, IL, July 11 & 12.  We can not

Local Positivity Fights Economic Logic

Rockford, IL – The war is raging on.  Positivity is at an all-time high around the Forest City of Hopes, Dreams,

TEDx Returns to Rockford, Idea Makers Gather For Story Hour Day, Many Prepare to Drink Coffee

Rockford, IL – TEDx is back and he wants to hear your ideas, Rockford!  Today’s event, TEDxRockfordLive, will feature lots

No comments

Write a comment
No Comments Yet! You can be first to comment this post!

Write a Comment

Thank you for spending time with us on the internet. Please waste more time and energy by sharing your internet emotions below:

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.