Mayor Gets New Doors
“Canada has the best paint in the world.” Barry Morrison
ROCKFORD, IL – With the wounds still fresh and the election just days behind us here in the Forest City of Hopes, Dreams, Sounds, Visions and Carp, Mayor Morrison decided to spend some of the city’s money on new doors for his office and the new Mining Claims office he has put conveniently next to his.
“It’s the same office, only different” said Morrison. The doors cost the taxpayers about $13,000 according to the paperwork we received. “We had the letters custom painted by an artist from Ohio and the paint was shipped to us from Canada. They have the best paint in the world,” said Morrison in a Skype conference call from a downtown coffee shop.
“The door handles are also made of pure gold and the columns were hand crafted in Michigan by the internationally famous, blind sculptor, Vincent Harglashio.” Said Morrison.
Mining claims are now available and are open to any citizen who qualifies as an adult and can swing a pick axe 12 times in a 30 minute period. While most areas in the city are subject to mining claims, some areas, such as national parks and monuments, are not available. To stake a claim to mine on city property, follow the appropriate steps, fill out the right papers and pay the necessary fees to the Mining Claims Office at City Hall. Tell them that my boss, Chief Tchad Beale, sent ya.
You’ll know more when we know less.™
– Jay Vannigan
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