Magic Pussy Lion Terrorizes Rockford Woman Again
ROCKFORD, IL – Weeniebagel County Coroner, Rue Squiducha, said “an autopsy today is expected to determine whether a 75-year-old woman found dead Monday afternoon was a cat or possibly a cat-human. My friend Sgt. Ron says it might me the magical pussy eating lion that’s terrorizing Rockford at night. She had multiple gunshots wounds and bruises but I’m a bit more concerned about my son’s report card right now.”
The woman has not yet been identified and notifications to family members are still pending because the hair and claw samples from the kitty cat / pussy eating lion are still being analyzed.
Firefighters were called shortly before 2:30 p.m. Sunday to the basement of an apartment in the 78699 block of South Bergner Street where they found the cat-like woman.
”I am still grossed out by her akward appearance,” said firefighter Brett Blaze. “I was so scared when I entered the basement that I started shooting everything! I shot the couch, a small ottoman, and kicked what I thought was a lion or large pussy eating lion with magical powers.”
No information regarding the circumstances of the woman’s death have been released. Call your drunk friends and fucked up family members if you have any information about the woman’s death or the whereabouts of the pussy eating magical mystery lion with the pretty pink headband on it’s head.
– Jay Vannigan
Related Articles
Mr. Lobo Nails Guitar Solo on Metallica’s “One” at Whiskeys
Rockford, IL – Mr. Don Lobo has been rocking out to good times with his buddies in their popular Metallica
Local News Outlets Are Finally Talking About Cheap Trick
Rockford, IL – City wide news agencies and the Rockford tourism bureau have finally decided to support hometown rock band, Cheap Trick. The
Letter From The Editor: This Is Exactly How RKFDnews Began With Nothing to Become a Big Nothing To Break The Noose in a Poor Old American City like The Rockford of Illinois
June 19th, 2014 The Rockford is filled with local makers and wonderful stories about how we’ve risen above the ashes
Thank you for spending time with us on the internet. Please waste more time and energy by sharing your internet emotions below: