Winnebago County OK’s Killing Thousands of Geese Starting December 6th

12 Sep, 2016

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The human population in Rockford knows what winter means: freezing temperatures, bad road conditions, crippling depression and increased alcohol abuse. Most of us are used to it by now. However, most of us under the age of 75 can’t afford to winter it up in St. Petersburg or Tempe—and the few enlightened people amongst us would never want to.

If you were a goose (for argument’s sake, we’ll assume you are not) you would be thrilled to fly away from Rockford for the colder months… or forever. Right? Wrong!

Last year an estimated 15,000 geese remained in the Rockford area throughout the winter and into the spring. This behavior was initially thought to be linked to laziness, most likely caused from the geese’s diet of fast food waste that our city produces in excess. However, recent studies from the RGA (The Rockford Goose Alliance) linked this behavior to poor mental health—specifically, depression. In a study published by the RGA, they stated, “Any and all geese that remain after December 5th should be considered a risk to themselves and others. “

“We could wait for the geese to abuse their mates and offspring, start a math rock band, or clog our icy roadways with their suicide attempts. I think it’s better if we put them out of their misery before it negatively affects our social media and google search results. Destroy the negative. Keep the positive.”
— Sean Honkerson, our anonymous source at the RGA, home address: 2302 Albert St. phone number: (815) 965-7445

(NOTE: We are not responsible for your physical phone dialing actions, bruh. That’s on you, the person with the phone in their hands.)

Starting on December 6th, the DGNR (Department of Geese’s Natural Re-resourcing) will declare an ‘open season’ on all water fowl in the Winnebago County region—which means that the majority of downtown Rockford, especially the strip of land that runs between the Rockford Fart Deli and Shitty Hall into temporary goose hunting ground.

If you want to make Rockford great again for America on the internet, you’ll stop shooting your neighbors and start shooting geese—but that’s on you.  You’re the one with the internets in your hands, bruh. Dialed.