Rockford’s Bagel Crisis Intensifies Protests turn Violent

10 Mar, 2016

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“Panera? PANERA BREAD! NO! God Damn it, NO!!! I want a real fuckin’ Bagel!” Mayor Barry proclaims as he joins a group of protesters, flipping over a car, outside City Hall. It was Courtney’s birthday. She didn’t want to bring in donuts, but Panera bagels? Jesus Courtney… poor form. Say goodbye to your cushy city council job. We are now entering the 17th month of the Rockford bagel crisis and tensions couldn’t be much higher.

This all started back in 2014, when life was good and seedy sticks were everywhere. The owner of the late Bagel Palace  had a successful business going… Perhaps, too successful. He decided we don’t matter and moved to Lake Geneva with his 4th wife. However dickish he may have been, I don’t believe he foresaw the consequences of closing his bakery.

Courtesy of Blaine, our intern

The outraged Rockford community lashed out. First Big Apple’s Bagels burns down, then that douche bucket closes The Bagel Palace. Of course there was rioting! and you should have expected some casualties. So far the damage to municipal and private property is estimated at $800,000. That’s not the only problem… It seems the absence of a proper bagel place has had a direct affect on our city’s near perfect crime rate. Murder, rape, burglary, buggery, battery… they’re everywhere now. See the graph our intern put together.

What’s a Bagel lover to do? Should we stay inside with our toaster strudels and our tears? Do we take to the streets and demand a viable bagel option? Mayor Barry appears to have had enough. Reports have been coming in, that he mounted a cop car, exposed himself and screamed, “Fuck the pre-sliced traitor!” Should he call in the National Guard? Perhaps hes just been waiting for a reason to snap. Way to go Courtney! You’ve unhinged our steadfast leader.

I’ll tell you what I’m gonna do… Burn a couple Ls and watch youtube till I can make the best damn bagels in the 815. Lets take some progressive actions. Burn kush not cars.