Rubio Gains 2013 Rockford Mayor Bid But Loses 2016 Presidential Bid

Rubio Gains 2013 Rockford Mayor Bid But Loses 2016 Presidential Bid
Senator Rubio loses bid for 2016 Republican presidential candidate but enters Rockford's Mayoral Election by default

Senator Rubio loses his early bid for the 2016 Republican’t presidential puppet race, but enters Rockford’s 2013 Mayoral Election by default because he and locals know that you can be anyone you want to be in the Forest City of Hopes, Dreams, Sound and Vision.

Rockford, IL – Some good news and bad news happened tonight to Senator Rubio on national TV.

During the Republican’t party’s response to our Pretendsident, who is from Illinois (the least corrupt state ever), Rubio suffered from extreme cotton mouth caused by a Rockford area civic pride virus and reached for his water bottle.

The bad news for Rubio is that he threw away any chance he needed to sell himself as a pretendsidential candidate for the Republican’t party in 2016. The good news–by default–is that he’s now running for Rockford, IL’s 2013 Mayoral position.

The other candidates are confused and have no idea how this could happen. “It’s not possible.  Tonight he’s Florida’s senator, and tomorrow he’s a Rockford politician?  How’s that possible?  Makes no f*$king sense,” said a source close to all of the politicians running for city mayor voting stuff in April.

Local citizen Paul Fronkels said, “Why not Rubio for Mayor?  You can be anything you want to here. I was an alderman yesterday and today I play center for the Chicago Bulls.  Good for him!”

Jim Hughes is representing the Rockford area Democraps.  Michael Kleen is a secret democrap running as the Republican’t candidate because current Mayor elect Lawrence Morrissey is a secret Republican’t who is defending his throne again by running as an Independon’t who somehow owns the region’s majority Democrap votes.  We are predicting a wrestling match between Kleen and Rubio before the election in April of this year.  The winner will crush Hughes and Morrissey with vigor, elbow drops, and DDTs.

Weird town, bot don’t worry, voters.  All of you have nothing to offer your neighbors but beer and weed because you stopped dreaming about a better life a long time ago so whoever you vote for really doesn’t matter.  It’s not like anyone is going to create jobs that pays you with real paper and metal monies for your time, skills, and labor.  You’re all over-qualified or under-employed to vote, too!  Quit now, pull your lawn chairs into your living rooms and crack open a cold YooHoo, enjoy the wrestling match!

Rockford Salami

Rockford Salami

We here at think (fear) that Rubio hopes to win by promising voters more trains that have as much power to ride the rails into the future as they do to float on top of bodies of water that he can swim in and drink from.  He is excited to take his first Rock River swig and you are lucky to be reading this no matter how unfunny it might be because we aren’t charging you.  You’re all savages and couldn’t process the truth if it slapped you across your face with a slice of salami.  Yummie, yummie salami. Eat it, Rockford.

–  Ron Kites

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