Transformers: Rise of the Rockfordians

Transformers: Rise of the Rockfordians

Transformers:  Rise of the Rockfordians

Rockford, IL –  The fourth movie in the popular Transformers series focuses on our beloved city– or what’s left of it in the year two thousand and thirteen.  Director Michael Bay’s opening ten minute scene captures forty years in the making of the destruction of Rockford, IL by it’s leaders.  Corrupt politicians and uneducated business owners run the city into the ground.  Lawyers become mayors from all decades to protect their real estate investments while keeping the middle class hanging on for dear life until the early 2000s, until it’s final defeats from 2005 to present time.

That’s the first ten minutes, a forty year history of Rockford to prepare you for the Rise of the Rockfordians.

Most of the movie takes place in downtown Rockford with transcendent performances by it’s own local artists and community leaders.  Lots of talking and drinking coffee and beers in downtown locations accounts for the majority of the plot.  A plot so thick unfolds itself around the people of Rockford who are desperate for jobs, money, and a new Starbucks and Chili’s to be built downtown.  None of their demands are answered with actions by their saviors, the Transformers.  Hence the movie’s subtitle, the Rise of the Rockfordians.

Movie director Michael Bay films a dirty downtown scene in "Transformers:  Rise of the Rockfordians".

Movie director Michael Bay films a dirty downtown scene in “Transformers: Rise of the Rockfordians”.

The movie climaxes with an over-weight, positive, and miserable community rising to take back their city from the happier, positive and wealthy Transformers– but the damage has already been done for forty years.  The epic intro tends to carry the fourth Transformers movie with multiple flashbacks to Rockford’s decades of false promises for revitalization before it’s current state of emotional despair and civic delusion took over the majority of the community.

The performances by an amateur cast is ETSY-quality at best. How they learned all of their lines in a dialogue rich movie is astounding considering the overall intelligence level of many amateur actors and artists in our community.  Bay does a great job covering up their overtly proud flaws with positive digital effects.

We learn through director Bay’s eyes that Rockford has been driven recklessly and without logic for so long that the movie’s climax to feature a poor community rising to take on the Transformers is anti-climatic at best, and without hope for the future– but at least it’s a funny movie.  What we learn in the end is what the fifth movie will answer.

SPOILER ALERT:  Rise of the Rockfordians exposes many larcenous artists to be meddling with the Transformers, which is composed of an army of the fortunate few in the poor community played by uneducated or filthy rich politicians, public charity officials, business owners, commercial developers, trust-fund billies, marketing firm executives and other corrupt individuals looking to profit from the hard labor of those less fortunate in the community who are much smarter, desperate, and poorer than they are.  Many coffee and beer drinking dialogue scenes hint that a war is rising amongst the artists themselves. The war between artists with healthy, untampered testicals and vaginas against those with poison and corruption running through their loins.  Loins that long for economic funding from the Transformers.

With no conclusion offered by the Rise of the Rockfordians, the war rages on amongst those who can read between the lines and are plotting their exile from Rockford and those that can’t do anything other than take advantage of a depleted middle class.

– Chief Tchad Beale

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  1. Anonymous 8 January, 2014, 21:15

    What readers?

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