Letter From The Editor: We Are Not The Onion and We Own A Yacht

Letter From The Editor:  We Are Not The Onion and We Own A Yacht
Chief Tchad Beale, Editor, and his fiancé, Linda, enjoy fine dining in the state of Wisconsin before heading back to Rockford for coffee and transformational talking about positivity city stuff. They are on a yacht in the Carribean now, and want to say hello to poor cold Rockford.

Chief Tchad Beale, Editor, and his fiancé, Linda, enjoy fine dining in the state of Wisconsin before heading back to Rockford for coffee and transformational talking about positivity city stuff. They are on a yacht in the Carribean now, and want to say hello to poor cold Rockford.

Hello, it’s me again.  I’m writing to you from a yacht off the coast of the Cayman Islands that Linda and I live on during these long, cold midwestern winters.  It’s so warm here, and the people are nice, healthy, laughing–unlike Rockford, IL. We had to get away.

The winter and Transform Rockford’s reiteration of the last 40 years of problems we’ve been privy to acknowledging already was causing us to go insane having to listen to it all again.  It’s like the same story every few years:  A group of people with a little money try to lobby for federal funds and grants with community interaction to eventually line their business pockets.

They do it the same way every few years with talks and forums about hope, vision, attitude; but yet, there are less and less jobs as each passing year transforms itself into the next pathetic community movement.

That brings me to today’s point.

I have some concerns with the Rockford public that my staff has emailed me about.  The wireless on my yacht is best when we are near land, so I apologize for my delays in getting back to you.  There are many of you who have made comments that we are trying to be The Onion, or that we are dabbling in satire and failing.  I’ll make this brief so that I can get back to my Piña Colãdas and hot ass fiancé,Linda.  (She is wearing a hot tangerine two piece bikini today.  I’ll share a photo below.)

Let this be the first and last time I have to say this on behalf of my unemployed staff, many of which possess doctorates–something most business leaders in Rockford do not have:

We are not the Onion nor did we ever set out to be. We are a broken mirrored reflection of the Rockford we have come to love that we are sharing with the world on the intardenet.  Also, we’re far from satire.  If anything, we’re mocking and reinterpreting satire which can be hard for many of you to decipher after a long day of job searching.  

We are here to break your noose, to keep you from killing yourselves on a daily basis which we’re pretty sure you’d fail at doing anyway–Rockford style.

We are here to call out true local bluffs for you to read between the lines of; to make up your own interpretations, good or bad.

We don’t care who you are or how important you think you are. That includes shady politicians, corrupt business men, drunk artists or a coffee giant, Starbucks.  

We also don’t give a f*ck about what you think about us because most of you in charge of businesses, government, left the middle class to rot itself into the new lower class.  You made us.  Again, we are your broken mirrored reflection.  You don’t like it?  Eat a dick. You’ll be stuck here in Rockford with your obese kids, underwater real estate portfolios, shady business friends, and still no jobs for the poor when we sell this operation, taking people with us to provide them a healthy future elsewhere where the working class is respected.  Politely put, go f*ck yourselves, Rockford.

We must transform Rockford by reiterating the past into tweets, pizza and flapjacks. That’s right.  Hope, interaction, vison–not vision– equals the hashtags:  
#HIVrockford
#transformrockford
#transgressrockford
#reiteraterockford

We report noose stories, not news stories.  The misinterpretation cannot break your noose if you let it get to you that bad.

We break the noose for you.  Hang in there, you’ll get it.™  Hahahaha.

Linda enjoys her fiancé and our editor's yacht. Maybe one day people in Rockford can buy a boat to escape the midwest winter with, to enjoy life with Chief Tchad and Linda elsewhere? Maybe, if you find a job outside of Rockford to save your monies to leave forever!

Linda enjoys her fiancé and our editor’s yacht in a hot two piece tangerine bikini. Maybe one day people in Rockford can buy a boat to escape the midwest winter with, to enjoy life with Chief Tchad and Linda elsewhere? Maybe, if you find a job.

Does that help you feel better on the internet now that we answered your comments in one article? Do you not see Rockford as being a dark, deep well of comedy gold?  We do.

The beauty with reading the public’s responses, comments, and opinions on the intardenet is that we can now assume–for example, Kate Menstraight’s articles–that Winston Churchill’s greatest speeches and letters are not Rockford’s cup of tea. Biscuits, indeed!

We love everyone’s reactions so much that we’ll never block the funny, misspelled, disparaging comments from our site and social pages like Our City, Our Story and Rockford Scanner do when they disagree with you. KNOW BRAD FREAD, indeed.

Now, go onwards to complain about us on your Twitter, Facebook and in private emails that the NSA, CIA, and FBI are monitoring on behalf of the information, words, and pictures you voluntarily provide your email host providers in your emails to your friends and family for free, so that they can sell it to the government behind your backs.  Please, spread the word of RKFDnews.com for us so that our time is best spent on a yacht with Linda in a two-piece tangerine bikini with delicious Piña Colãdas in the Carribean.

How do you fix a broken boat in the desert? You don’t, you leave it behind for the animals to enjoy.  Leave that place! Find a job that pays you your worth, takes care of your obese family and respects your skills, efforts, so that you can come join us on our yacht next year.

Thank you for reading our nonsense on the intardenet. You will learn more when we know less™,

Chief Beale


Tags assigned to this article:
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2 comments

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  1. antony 3 March, 2014, 11:51

    ya, we need a better pic of linda. she so hawt. i saw her last year at the derby reynolds xmas party and i swear i coulda sexd her riiiiite. jk bro.

    Reply this comment
  2. Anonymous 27 February, 2014, 18:12

    the tangerine picture is too small- that is all

    Reply this comment

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