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Byron Man Arrested for Having Sex with Rockford Carp
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Rockford, IL – On Saturday morning, RKFDream Police responded to a 911 call from two joggers who were crossing the Jefferson Street bridge and saw a man bent over on the riverbank behind the Library with a large fish attached to his genitals from behind.
Police arrested Big Pauly Dierskie, 42 of Byron, and charged him with public intoxication, Carp cruelty and public nudity.
Dierskie said in a statement, “I caught a beautiful looking carp and his lips were sexy. I became aroused, no big deal. Ever been to Byron? Ain’t pretty fish running around rampant like you gots in downtown Rockford.”
Dr. Mark Benson, psychologist and carp relationship specialist with the RKFDream police, said, “It took 3 officers and a stun gun to release the poor Carp from Mr.Dierskie’s genitals. We hope this isn’t a pattern with Byron folk visiting downtown Rockford.”
Carp told us, “Eh, I’ve done worse. It’s Rockford. Know what I’m saying?”
No, actually we don’t, Carp.
Rockford, you’ve stuck your weiners in a lot of weird things this year, haven’t you? You sent us that link to a horrible video of that dude having sex with an old shoe, or a snake, whatever it was– and let’s not forget about Twitter folk hero, Thot Pocket. What was up with that guy? Wow.
To read more local stories about Carp, buy our debut book, out now!
– Chief Jay Vannigan
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1+1=11 Proud to be born and raised in Rockford Tee Shirt Campaign!
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Wonderful article. Finally a news agency who’s not scared off by what “the man” wants kept silent.
Not only is this total garbage, it is written poorly.
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