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Byron Man Arrested for Having Sex with Rockford Carp

Byron Man Arrested for Having Sex with Rockford Carp

carpguyThis article is rated R and is not meant for individuals who are less than 18 years of age.  If you are age 18 or less and are reading this, please ask your mommy and daddy if it’s ok to continue reading below. If you continue to read the article below without asking your mommy or daddy, it’s not our problem because your mommy and daddy have allowed you to use smart devices, phones, tablets and computers without setting proper browsing restrictions.  Yep. Not our problem, amateurs.  In fact, your parents are probably horrible people who can’t read, write, do math, stuff. Especially if they’ve allowed you to be on the internet before the age of 18.  Yep, you are no different than mommy and daddy. You have no hope! Zip!

Rockford, IL – On Saturday morning, RKFDream Police responded to a 911 call from two joggers who were crossing the Jefferson Street bridge and saw a man bent over on the riverbank behind the Library with a large fish attached to his genitals from behind.

Police arrested Big Pauly Dierskie, 42 of Byron, and charged him with public intoxication, Carp cruelty and public nudity.

Dierskie said in a statement, “I caught a beautiful looking carp and his lips were sexy. I became aroused, no big deal. Ever been to Byron? Ain’t pretty fish running around rampant like you gots in downtown Rockford.

Dr. Mark Benson, psychologist and carp relationship specialist with the RKFDream police, said, “It took 3 officers and a stun gun to release the poor Carp from Mr.Dierskie’s genitals. We hope this isn’t a pattern with Byron folk visiting downtown Rockford.

Carp told us, “Eh, I’ve done worse. It’s Rockford.  Know what I’m saying?

No, actually we don’t, Carp.

Rockford, you’ve stuck your weiners in a lot of weird things this year, haven’t you? You sent us that link to a horrible video of that dude having sex with an old shoe, or a snake, whatever it was– and let’s not forget about Twitter folk hero, Thot Pocket. What was up with that guy? Wow.

To read more local stories about Carp, buy our debut book, out now!

– Chief Jay Vannigan


Tags assigned to this article:
byroncarprockfordsex crime with fish

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3 comments

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  1. C. Johnson 17 February, 2016, 15:31

    Wonderful article. Finally a news agency who’s not scared off by what “the man” wants kept silent.

    Reply this comment
  2. Sloan3350 7 June, 2015, 15:48

    Not only is this total garbage, it is written poorly.

    Reply this comment
    • RKFD NEWS GOD 9 June, 2015, 12:07

      Thank you for taking the time to share your internet emotions with us. Your opinion really, really, really matters to us. How so? We’ll tell ya:

      Everything that is freely submitted to our site for posting here–words, photos, etc.–grants our staff free rights to reproduce and publish your words/photos in the next book of our “Believe” series without your permission. Your permission was automatically granted to us by filling in the form and clicking the “Post Comment” button, thus submitting your opinion for public critique and sharing.

      Congratulations and thank you, Sloan3350– you’re going to be published! In the meantime, buy a copy of Volume 1 to see how we respectfully honor our haters, click here.

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