Poor Child Speared by RKFDP SWAT Team

10 Nov, 2012

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Rockford, IL – Members of the RKFDP SWAT (Rockford Dream Police Department’s School-Yard Whoop Ass Team) TEAM surrounded a home on Hamster Circle near Finkleton Middle School Sunday afternoon.

Officers said they were trying to negotiate with an armed child barricaded inside a home, but that the negotiation turned deadly when the suspect was speared and killed by RKFDP SWAT officers.

“I heard the noise, the SWISSSSSH!” said resident, Janetteiqu Sitsayqer. “It scared me.  Looking back I realized it was an arrow-head spear flying through the air.”  Sitsayqer had no idea that RKFDP SWAT TEAM officers had started throwing arrow-head spears at a small child who lives three houses away from her.

“I heard someone scream very loudly, “Come out with your little hands up. We have cookies,” and I thought, ‘Wow, that must be very close,’ and I love cookies,” said Sitsayqer. “I stayed inside because I was afraid and did not really care because this kind of thing happen all the time.”

RKFDP SWAT TEAM officers said that they were originally called to the home early Sunday afternoon after neighbors dialed 911 to report a small child armed with a tomato–or possibly, a cantaloupe–and a toy camera was causing trouble in the neighborhood.  Officers arrived and confronted the child, but he pointed a camera at them and that’s when they retaliated with their arrow-head spears, according to the RKFDP SWAT PR Lady.

Fortunately for truths and justice, the SAHPS (Superior Angels of the Higher Power Society who look over all of us down here on earth) representatives were there to witness the entire event and told us by email that, “The officers threw a couple of hatchets at the suspect but missed. The RKFDP SWAT team was called out when the child barricaded himself inside the home.  Meanwhile on the other side of town, RKFDP SWAT officers enjoyed blueberry muffins at Dunkin Donuts with French Vanilla Coffee.”

RKFDP SWAT representatives have not released any details about this child, but implied to us on a walkie talkie that they do believe he lives in the neighborhood. Officers also said, “We don’t believe the child was holding any hostages, except for a couple of stuffed bears and a Ken doll.  There were no Barbie dolls in sight, Ken was alone and naked.”

This is a developing story and updates will be added as soon as new information is available.

Criminal acts are outnumbering job hirings on a daily basis in Winnebago County. Please email our RKFDP (Rockford Dream Police) Department immediately if you hear of a crime being commited in your neck of the forest city:  tips@rkfdnews.com