City Reacts to Forbes by Learning How To Read and Write, Promises Championship in 2014

City Reacts to Forbes by Learning How To Read and Write, Promises Championship in 2014

Rockford area residents prepare to take home the Forbes Most Miserable City Championship Trophy in 2014 or 2015 by gathering with local cheerleaders to learn how to read and write with pens, pencils and paper again. Practice season began as soon as the news rolled in from Forbes that we finished 3rd. Practice continues everyday on Facebook and on their new blogs in preparation for the 2014 and 2015 championship runs against current title holders, Detroit and Flint, Michigan. ( © AP / Originally pubished by )

Rockford, IL – Rockford, Illinois area citizens and local leaders are still reeling from this week’s 3rd place defeat to the champion Detroit and eternal top three runner up Flint, Michigan.

Forbes Magazine’s annual Miserably Funny American Cities contest revealed that Rockford, once again, placed in the top 10 but barely missed taking home the trophy again to a Michigan city.  On the positive side, Rockford outraced it’s big miserable mean brother Chicago and those two miserably funny sexy cities from California–Modesto, Vallejo, and Stockton– to the top of the list!

“Think positive, you have to.  Smile and look at the bright side.  We moved up to the top three compared to the last few years.  Next year we will win and if we don’t, we will definitely bring home the trophy come 2015. I am asking everyone in the city to rally.  Start a blog.  Makes some web videos. Learn how to read and write with pens, pencils, paper, laptops, iPads, smart phones and Etch-a-Sketches. Then, share all your thoughts in comments boxes on Facebook and on your blogs.  Twitt your contacts all over the world.  Start driving on the road to the Forbes championship trophy now and we will win in 2014! Or 2015!  Both! That’s a promise!”, said local cheerleading squadron captain, Pawla Careola.

She and her teammates along with many miserably funny people around the Rockford region share the same mutual drive to win the Forbes economic-emotions contest as soon as 2014 or 2015, but not others share the same drive.

“I want to rock out.  Cut some hot jams.  Sell some band T shirts and watch my candy making business make smiles on the faces of sexy ladies and strong dudes all over the world.  I don’t have time for regional contests and feel-good parties when the rest of the world is counting on me to bring the rock n’ roll back into their lives, because I am a rock n’ roll god.” Said Quinn Gelastio, famous guitar player from heavy metal legends FrequencyX2.  Lord Gelastio is a transplant from California who moved here in 2012 to buy up foreclosed homes to store his guitars in and to make parking lots for his imported cars collection. Gelastio was selected by our panel as one of the top 13 people to watch in 2013.

Still though, the city is excited and rallying behind Careolo and many others to win next year. “We’re coming for you, Detroit! Screw you, Flint!” chanted the Rockford Ice Hogs crowd at the Bee Mo Hairy Metro Center last night. will be following Rockford area leaders for the rest of 2013 as they make a run towards the Forbes’ Most Miserably Funny American Cities championship trophy.  As for our stance?  We don’t care who wins any sports ball City content, we still want to make love all night and laugh all day.

– Tchad Beale 

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