Rockford, We Are Not The Onion and I Own a Yacht

09 Feb, 2016

Print this article Font size -16+

Nate, brother of Gene, and his fiancé, Linda, enjoy fine dining in the state of Wisconsin before heading back to Rockford for coffee, vision rallies, and transformational-talking stuff about positivity. They are on a yacht in the Carribean now, and want to say hello to poor, old, cold Rockford.

Hello, it’s me again:  Nate, Gene’s brother.

I’m writing to you from a yacht off the coast of the Cayman Islands that Linda and I live on during these long, cold midwestern winters.  It’s so warm here, and the people are nice, healthy, laughing–unlike Rockford, IL. We had to get away.

The winter–and Transform Rockford’s reiteration of the last 40 years of problems that we’ve been privy to acknowledging already–was causing us to go insane having to listen to it all again.  It’s like the same story every few years:  A group of people with a little more money than the rest of us poor folks try to lobby for federal and state funds, grants, with community interaction to eventually line their business pockets on the back door LLC front.

They do it the same way every few years with talks and forums about hope, vision, attitude, excellence, transformation, art, and ______________ (insert any socio-psychological marketing trick); but yet, there are less and less jobs as each passing year transforms itself into the next pathetic community movement.

That brings me to today’s point:  I have some concerns with the Rockford public’s comments on the internets that my venerable and private staff members have emailed me about.

(The wireless on my yacht is best when we are near land, so I apologize for my delays in getting back to you, Jay, Ron and JoAnne.)

There are many of you who have made comments that we are trying to be The Onion, or that we are dabbling in satire and failing.  I’ll make this brief so that I can get back to my Piña Colãdas and hot ass fiancé,Linda.  

(She is wearing a hot tangerine two piece bikini today.  I’ll share a photo below.)

Let this be the first and last time I have to say this on behalf of my unemployed staff, many of which possess doctorates–something most business leaders in Rockford do not have:

We are not the Onion nor did we ever set out to be. We are a broken mirrored reflection of the Rockford we have come to love that we are sharing with the world on the intardenet.  Also, we’re far from satire.  If anything, we’re mocking and reinterpreting satire which can be hard for many of you to decipher after a long day of job searching, golf, video games, weed smoking and beer drinking.  

We are here to break your noose, to keep you from killing yourselves on a daily basis which we’re pretty sure that you would fail at doing anyway because of how proud you are– Rockford style. 

We are here to call out true local bluffs for you to read between the lines of; to make up your own interpretations, good or bad.

We don’t care who you are, or how important you think you are. That includes shady politicians, corrupt business men, drunk artists, or a coffee giant, Starbucks.  

We also don’t give a f*ck about what you think about us because most of you in charge of businesses and government left the middle class to rot itself into the new lower class.  You made us– better yet, you transformed us already. Now you want to transform us back into a middle class?  WTF. We’re out, buh-bye.

We report noose stories, not news stories.  

We break the noose for you.  Hang in there, you’ll get it.™ 

Linda enjoys her fiancé and our editor’s yacht in a hot two piece tangerine bikini. Maybe one day people in Rockford can buy a boat to escape the midwest winter with, to enjoy life with Nate, brother of Gene, and Linda elsewhere? Maybe, if you find a job.

Does that help you feel better on the internet now that we answered your comments in one article? Do you not see Rockford as being a dark, deep, well of comedy gold?

We do.

We love coming across everyone’s reactions, hate comments, and misunderstandings so much that we’ll continue to let you down in order to help you Believe. Belief the Rockford!!!

Now, go on. Onwards to complain about us on your Twitters, Facebooks and in private emails that the NSA, CIA, and FBI are monitoring on behalf of the information, words, and pictures that you voluntarily provide your email host providers.  Please, spread the word of RKFDnews.com for us so that our time is best spent on a yacht with Linda in a two-piece tangerine bikini with delicious Piña Colãdas in the Carribean.

Lastly, we ask you Rockford of Illinois: How do you fix a broken boat in the desert?

You don’t, you leave it behind for the animals to enjoy. Leave that place! Find a job that helps you buy a yacht! Look at Linda and me with our yacht!  Isn’t she hot?

– Nate, Gene’s Brother