Man Batters Woman

Man Batters Woman

Rockfart , IL – A mentally challenged husband battered his wife less than one hour after RKFDP SWAT (Rockford Dream Police) officers answered an SOS call at their home.

Mick Rickles, 56, battered his wife Patsy with a mixture of milk and flour just 50 minutes after emergency crews arrived to deal with a 911 call about him.

However, RKFDP SWAT Officer Jeanine Danielson said, “When we arrived, Mrs. Rickles was laughing and licking the milk and flour batter from her arms and knees.  She said it tasted delicious. Mr. Rickles appeared ‘calm and lucid’ but expressed that he wished his wife wouldn’t lick his batter off yet.”

Following the attack Rickles was found loitering half naked on a motorway embankment saying, “My name is Inigo Montoya – you killed my father.”

RKFD NEWS was told by the school district’s famous psychotherapist, The Great Paul, that “the milk and flour battering of 44-year old Patsy would have never happened if paramedics had taken Rickles to a mental hospital to begin with– to learn a new recipe for battering women in sugar and eggs with the flour and milk–but, sadly, there are no mental hospitals to take him to since Singer Mental Hospital closed in Rockford, IL to make way for hope and progress.”

RKFDP SWAT officers were investigated but cleared of any wrong doings after details emerged about Patsy Rickles stating that, “I did not feel in any danger at any time. I axed my husband to dip me in eggs and sugar like I’ve axed for many times before. But no, he prefers to batter me in milk and flour!”

Mister Jason Belvidere, a prosecuting attorney, said “the couple had been married for 5 years after meeting in 2006; and although they had no children, they lived with their puppy and 14 burmese pythons in Durand, IL for a short while.”

Patsy – who worked at The RKFDP Airport – decided to leave her husband last year and moved to a new home after developing ‘strong feelings’ for a work colleague– but she missed the home made batter recipes and returned to her loving chef of a husband, Mick.

Mr.Rickles, who worked as an engineer at a factory in Rockford, was previously sectioned to a psychiatric hospital after he wore his wife’s whitish-pink coat with no clothing underneath, and threatened to set fire to one of their puppy’s squirrel friends, Steve.

RKFDP SWAT members arrived with paramedics, but they ended up spending about a half-hour with the defendant talking to him about his mental state while playing legos and dolls with him.

‘They asked him questions about his history with battering.  Different recipes for different flavors. He appeared calm and lucid. They said they could force him to go to hospital, and he said he didn’t want to go and lit one of the dolls on fire and ate it to prove he was fine. It adds to the tragedy that if he had been taken by the paramedics to begin with, this would have never happened,” said Officer Danielson about her colleagues and Mr. Rickles.

At 6.51am, a neighbor heard Patsy screaming repeatedly for eggs and sugar.  Everyone heard her according to Lawrence Waits who lives three blocks from the scene of the battering.  Waits told us, “I hear that b____h yelling at least once a week something like, “Dip me in the eggs you f_____g p___k!  Soak me in sugar, Mick!”  This ain’t the first time. Know what I mean?”

Witnesses say that Mr. Rickles picked up a bucket of milk and poured it all over Patsy in the front lawn.  He then took what appeared to be a bag of flour and covered her body, head, and face.  Patsy began to roll around the front yard like a loaf of bread.

Rickles fled the scene wearing only a T shirt and his wife’s Uggs. He was spotted running along a yellow road line, narrowly missed by semis driving by before being detained near the Bee Moe Better Center in the heart of the city.

He told police: “I’ve just battered Patsy like I done battered her and many other delicious women before. My recipe does not call for eggs and sugar.  But she keep on axing me to dip her in eggs and sugar.  Hail naw.  No way.  My batter is special the ways it is.  Do you like chicken with sugar?  I dew knot.”

The victim’s father, Don Bern, said to police: “I cannot believe Mick has done this to our beautiful daughter.  I had no idea they were into kinky stuff but this is sick.  He has always been a good husband and has never been violent to her in the past, but this is sick. Just sick.  Why wouldn’t he use the eggs and sugars if that’s what my poor daughter wanted?”

Patsy took a long shower and is recovering at a friends home.

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