Man Eats Llama Renames Himself

28 May, 2014

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Beloit, WI – A man from Beloit survived a Red Winged Black Bird attack and months lost in the South Beloit forest Preserve thanks to his faithful companion, a pet Llama named “Linda.”  However, the llama didn’t make it out alive at the end of the ordeal.

In July, a 24-year-old man, Glenn Olmstead, set off on a two-day canoeing trip in the Northern city of Beloit along the Rocque River. It was there out yonder that a Red Winged Black bird defending her sacred nesting grounds attacked his campsite, eating all his food and destroying the canoe he needed to travel back home. His beloved Llama “Linda” chased off the bird before the man could be harmed. Without any food, Olmstead would have faced certain starvation.

A few days later he smoked all the rest of his weed and mushrooms along with three hits of acid, he then hit his Llama with a rock and ate him,

Linda

.  Olmstead made a mask out of the llama skin and renamed himself King Crabfinger III.

His family alerted police when he was late returning from his trip. Olmstead was finally rescued late last month.  He couldn’t speak or eat and had lost about 45 pounds due to being deehydrated and suffering from hypothermia.

You will fucking know more when we start caring less. You will know more when we start living in Boise. You have read too much, start living. Visit a downtown cafe to people watch and talk about your feelings or how you’re going to make the Rockford feel better hahahaha.

– Jay Vannigan