Old Friends Return Home, Rockford Prepares To Party Again

Old Friends Return Home, Rockford Prepares To Party Again
All My Friends Return Home To Rockford To Party Once More

All My Friends Return Home To Rockford To Party Once More

To Quote Rod Stewart, “Oh no, not again”, it’s New Year’s Eve.

I don’t mind getting together with the family and friends, for a little while.  It’s nice to see a select few of the family you don’t run into all that often.   I enjoy the home cooked meals, although I don’t go back for thirds.  Food  Coma?  Nah, don’t want to be there any longer than I have to.   Watching people sleep while supposedly watching some football is not the sport for me.

The issue at hand are the parties and the bars and the after party.

Several years ago, everyone enjoyed a new year’s celebration during the Clinton years.  President Clinton made sure we didn’t fear anything.  All of our friends that were lucky enough to escape this vortex of suckitude–Rockford–were sure to come back into town and get together at the nearest bar.  I was able to see all my favorite faces from Guilford and Boylan High Schools.

There are possibly 42.5 million people traveling this new year’s weekend–why any of them would come to Rockford, IL, is another question for another day.  Unfortunately, one of them has to be ‘that guy’, William R. Forrest.

We were all great friends in high school.  Most everyone had an inseparable group of friends, unfortunately he was part of ours. It was still great through the college years, even into being adults.  We’d all come home and party at Stash O’ Neils, see Harmony Riley at LT’s, make new friends and stuff.  Great times, I tell you.  I always looked forward to the holiday gatherings after the holiday gatherings during the spring and summer, too.  So fun.   Beers–beach drinks and body shots–until the bar keeps threw us out into the streets and on our merry ways.  Ah, Rockford party memories.

However, we’re all about 37 now; so, going out is a little less important, a little less structured.  Maybe I’ll go out and have beer or two, but I’m not in it for the long haul.  I don’t need a three day hangover even if I choose to sleep through the stupidity that is the new day of any new year.  Who made up the Roman Calendar anyway? Humans are flawed, yes?

I’m too old to be getting ‘Black Out’ drunk and doing something stupid too like grabbing some food at Uncle Nick’s at 2:10 am with other gangsters.

“Hi honey, can you come bail me out of jail?  Yes, I was with William.”

My limit for enjoying William and Bill’s company inside of Rockford area bars has been whittled down to a half hour, tops.

Oh sure, we’ll reminisce on those golden days.  We may even reminisce on the days we reminisced on previously.  Those were the days before social media–I know what you are up to without having to actually sit down and talk to you.  I know you are a miserable shit, I read your statup updates.  I, unfortunately, am too nice to unfriend you.   You hate your job, yep, saw that post.  Everyone at work hates you, yep, saw that post too and I don’t blame them.  You got divorced!  Yes I know, that was three years ago.  Your bitch wife is sleeping with that asshole for the bank.  I know, I’ve seen plenty of status updates on that too.

Did you even see your kids today?  Offer to put some Whip Cream on their pumpkin pie?

If I have to hear that damn story about how he hooked up with Julie McClearly at Elixer that one Holiday, I’m going to shoot a giant hole in my face and fill it with pumpkin pie.  Blah f’n blah; you did her on the bottom bunk of your brother’s bed, and then you did her on the top bunk of your brother’s bed?  Can you tell me that story again in twelve months?

Yes, I admit it, she was the fourth hottest girl in high school, and the second coolest.  For the record, the two hottest girls were just horrible human beings and the third hottest girl had been in a relationship since grade school–that was so sweet.  You would not want to break that up, or would you, William?  As for the coolest girl in school, it turns out she does not really date men.   Never did!  Good call.

The coolest girl, wow.  I still can’t believe how Billy somehow managed to obtain the Holy Grail of young women from our graduating class, if only for one night.

I wonder how much she regrets that now?  If she knew what a miserable, toxic shell of a man William has become.  The type of man who only drinks Bud Light on Mondays through Thursdays but switches to Whiskey and Coca-Colas on Fridays and Saturdays, and looks forward to seeing the Harmony Riley reunion shows with me once a year.  I hope she was too drunk to remember that night.  Let this be a warning to all you fine Rockford-area ladies out there looking for a class act Rockford man I used to party with sixteen years ago when I was a piece of sh*t, too–William Forrest is back in the Forest City for another night.

Maybe I’ll just go bowling by myself.

– Julian S. Jrunk

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