Rockford Area Forest Preserves Not Just for Gay Sex Anymore

Rockford Area Forest Preserves Not Just for Gay Sex Anymore

The Rockford internet community has done it! With your likes and shares of mugshot postings, you’ve successfully outed and ousted the worst of the worst criminals: Lonely, old, gay men.

Chester Dingler was arrested for indecent exposure at Kishwaukee Gorge. He is presumed guilty on the internet.

Chester Dingler was arrested for indecent exposure at Kishwaukee Caves Park. He is presumed guilty until posting on the internet.

These parks will no longer be known as gay hook-up spots and will soon go back to being normal parks for normal #RockfordStyleCrime.

I’m so sick of those perverted fat pieces of s**t eye-balling me when I’m looking for empty vehicles to crack open! I’m just trying to shoot-up in peace. I don’t wanna see that S**t,” said one very typical Rockfordian who identified himself as “Blaze.”

Blaze wont have to deal with that negative internet data stuff anymore. We, as an internet community, have once again forced the queers back to the closet where they belong—back to Friendster and MySpace!

We asked the DNR (Department of Natural Relationships) for a statement, and had the privilege of speaking with Buck Manning, head of the Illinois DNR. He stated:

“I’d really like to thank the Forest City Dream Police Department; our wonderful, positive, local news networks; and the homophobic Rockford patriots that have plastered our local freaks’ pictures all over the internet. Back to MySpace and Friendster they go!  The area’s forest preserves are now safe for the whole family. Let me be clear about saying “family”:  A family is a a Mommy, a Daddy, and a few normal, heterosexual children that like sports and—you know—straight stuff like Facebook, LinkedIn, YouTubes and Yelp. Reddit, too.”

Manning continued, naturally and unprompted, to say, “We are truly making Rockford forest preservers great again for America on the internet.”

Rockford needs more men like Buck. Buck needs more men in Rockford. We need less gay stuff on the internet in Rockford to be normal so that we can bring straight jobs back to the internet in Rockford.

If you believe in the internet, in Rockford, you wont have gay sex in the parks in Rockford. You’ll have gay sex on the internet in Rockford while your wife is doing Pinterest research and your kids are playing online video games even though you demanded that they turn their iPads off for the night.


Tags assigned to this article:
Rockford style crime

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