Rockford Named Jizz City, USA

18 Nov, 2013

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Rockford, IL –  America’s contributions to world culture includes jazz, baseball (debatable), soda pop, Levis, the Simpsons, Baywatch, commercialized evangelism, hip-hop, country-pop music (the bad kind, circa 1985 to present) , hillbilly pride, ebonics, cheap beer, skunk weed, porn and modern war cheat sheets.  According to a new study performed by America, Rockford, Illinois, has officially been named our official capital for American made jizz– Jizz City, USA.

Alyssa Frouthstein, a local economist, told RKFDnews, “Rockford used to be a hub for factory jobs in the golden age of America.  You know, when we made stuff.  Well, once China, India, and Mexico happily accepted the labor that the older generations’ business leaders provided them so that they could die peacefully in Arizona, Florida and Colorado, we were left with nothing but their regional trust funds handled by Rockford Bank & Trust for their drunk children.  No good jobs, more bad kids. We made more jizz… and most of it has been mediocre.  Real, original jizz. But, whatever, it’s Rockford.“

America added, “Rockford took the ‘a’ out of ‘jazz’ about 40 years ago and replaced it with ‘i’. It was a no brainer at this point to designate Rockford a new name.  Once they stopped making the screws, they replaced what was lost with more kids.  More kids are manufactured because of making more of the jizz, right? Right.  No other city makes more jizz than Rockford, IL.”

You will learn more when we know less.™

– Chief Tchad Beale