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Piranhas Injure 70 People Bathing In Rock River

Piranhas Injure 70 People Bathing In Rock River

[Update June 10th, 2014]

A hungry attack by piranhas has injured 70 people bathing in the Rock River, including seven children and eighteen homeless veterans who lost parts of their legs, arms, hands, feet, fingers or toes.

Rock River People BathingRockford, IL – Director of lifeguards Frederico Dontavio said today that “thousands of bathers were enjoying 70-degree temperatures in the Rock River in The Rockford yesterday when bathers suddenly began complaining of bite marks on their hands and feet.”

He blamed the attack on polentatitis, “a type of midwestern piranha, big, voracious and with sharp teeth that can really bite your face off if you didn’t bathe your last meal scraps off your face well enough.”

RKFDnews, Believe, Book, Buy on Amazon or Barnes and NobleParamedic Alonzo Monini said some children he treated lost entire legs.

Rockford’s Homeless Pop Star, Johnny Emerald The IIIrd, had this to tell us, “I eat dem fish!  Stop bathing in the river, that’s my bath tub!

Two years ago piranhas attacked and killed a young lady named Linda who leapt into the Rock River near Beloit, WI. The 18-year-old victim was drunk when she jumped out of a canoe to pee in the river.

Flesh-eating fish will be a concern this summer in the Rockford area.  Homeless people and children are advised to stay away from bathing in the Rock River until late fall early winter.

You will not learn anything until you know more about bathing safely in the Rock River.

– JoAnne Rankles

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31 comments

Write a comment
  1. Jake 15 September, 2015, 11:26

    It is hilarious to see individuals who are angrily commenting about how this is so fake and going as far as explaining why. No s**t it’s fake, it’s meant to be entertaining and I found it both comical and amusing. Still not sure which was more amusing though, the actual story or all of these angry comments.

    Reply this comment
  2. marowniom 13 August, 2014, 13:31

    Amazing. The people in the picture in this article came all the way from Iceland to swim in the Rock river. http://www.tripadvisor.com/LocationPhotoDirectLink-g315849-d2225389-i32936180-Iceland_Activities-Hveragerdi_South_Region.html

    Reply this comment
  3. Kabrina Bainter 15 June, 2014, 14:55

    I do believe this simply because Bull Sharks are able to adapt to freshwater so why couldn’t piranha’s? I just don’t understand why y’all are so defensive lmao sure maybe it’s NOT TRUE but never take anything with a grain of salt especially in the times web are living in lol. I am so amused by how LITTLE things get people to start fighting and acting irrationally lmao????

    Reply this comment
  4. Whocares! 10 June, 2014, 15:37

    Bahahahahaha……well played Rkfdnews!! Hope you reap the amusement of posting such a pot of BS.. Best part is that people are gullible and actually believe your nonsense!!

    Reply this comment
  5. Rock Lobster 10 June, 2014, 14:22

    *cough* Bullshit *cough*

    Reply this comment
    • RKFD NEWS GOD 10 June, 2014, 16:09

      You might want to take care of that cough sooner than later, there are another 400+ articles to rummage through with asterisks.

      Reply this comment
  6. Just some guy 10 June, 2014, 12:46

    Midwestern Pirrannananas? Hot damn! Let’s grab a couple crooked politicians, put ’em in the water and get us enough for a fish fry.

    Reply this comment
  7. mrmoose 10 June, 2014, 11:40

    I’m sorry to hear about all the broken moose, they are such a noble creature, much better than llamas!

    Reply this comment
  8. D 10 June, 2014, 07:58

    If this site was real, the editors wouldn’t waste time in replying to silly comments. Including this one. Just saying. Someone is bored. And the noose thing is a bit childish.

    Reply this comment
    • RKFD NEWS GOD 10 June, 2014, 13:03

      How noble of you to spend your time scolding all of us with your emotions on the internet. Try harder and you’ll win the internet one day!

      Reply this comment
  9. Jen 10 June, 2014, 00:26

    lol I live near the Rock River and its so green and disgusting I don’t know anyone who would actually bathe in it, let alone a fish that could survive in it!

    Reply this comment
  10. Poop buscuit 9 June, 2014, 23:04

    oh shit, sorry I let the fish out. Again. But, not all are the Polentatitis type, I just wanted to let you know that I also let the Gnocchirhombus out as well. They are much more aggressive, and totally go for the penis every time. From the gate below the Register Star building. The gate below the brewery tower wasn’t working, you might send Stan to fix the hydraulics on that one. Thanks!

    Reply this comment
  11. Bill 9 June, 2014, 22:01

    This is so fake. There is no such thing as a “Midwestern type of piranha”. Piranha’s and their relatives are found in the amazon. A quick google search of “polentatitis” will literally only give you 4 hits; this, two from some Instagram crap, and something in French.

    Also, if 70 people where really attacked by piranhas in the US it would probably make national headlines, like the snakehead thing years ago, and not just be on some local page. So sorry everyone but this is a very fake article written by some loser that’s still leaving in their mom’s basement and needs attention.

    Reply this comment
    • RKFD NEWS GOD 9 June, 2014, 22:58

      The amount of research you have googled to share your emotions with us on the internet to prove a point is worthy of an article in itself! Nice job, you win the internet! Thanks for sharing your emotions and wasting your time with us on the internet!

      Reply this comment
  12. Rock River 9 June, 2014, 21:08

    This is sooooo far fetched lol. Worst site ever..

    Reply this comment
  13. George W. 9 June, 2014, 20:52

    GOD DAMN OBAMA FISH EATIN OFF THEM WHITE FOLKS AGAIN

    Reply this comment
  14. Dickmouth 9 June, 2014, 18:02

    On a them pirenjas done bit my dick off

    Reply this comment
    • Chris 9 June, 2014, 22:31

      You bit your own dick off. It’s like that time the cowardly lion pulled his own tail.

      Reply this comment
      • RKFD NEWS GOD 9 June, 2014, 22:56

        Wait, the lion didn’t bite his tail off but our staff writer bit her penis off? Or, you don’t want your noose broken? Thanks for sharing your emotions and metaphors with us on the internet, Chris!

        Reply this comment
  15. uncle tt 9 June, 2014, 15:46

    I am never going in that river!

    Reply this comment
  16. trixy460 9 June, 2014, 13:53

    Something must be done about this! These monsters are endangering those eco-friendly bathers enjoying what nature has provided! Will this force people to use indoor facilities where they could slip and fall, HAVE to pay for water and waste so much of it down the drain? With the amount of hunters and fishermen in the area, I think a Piranha hunting season should be mandated for the sake of all local bathers!

    Reply this comment
  17. Anonymous 9 June, 2014, 12:31

    Why would you even post such lies. This site is pretty shady.

    Reply this comment
    • RKFD NEWS GOD 9 June, 2014, 13:17

      We’re so sorry to hear that your noose can’t be broken. Hang in there, you’ll get it.

      Reply this comment
    • jay 10 June, 2014, 06:17

      Your mom is pretty shady. It’s satire. If you don’t realize that and think it’s funny then your IQ is pretty shady as well.

      Reply this comment
  18. c 9 June, 2014, 10:05

    This page is full of uneducated, incorrect information! ! Sites like this are a disgrace.

    Reply this comment
    • RKFD NEWS GOD 9 June, 2014, 13:17

      We’re so sorry to hear that your noose can’t be broken either. Hang in there, you’ll get it!

      Reply this comment
      • enoughisenough@yahoo.com 9 June, 2014, 18:44

        Why would you say something ignorant like that? LOL. And really..I may be wasting my time replying, but this entire website is a waste of your own life. Carry on!

        Reply this comment
        • RKFD NEWS GOD 10 June, 2014, 07:55

          A waste to you and your time, yes, but it’s not a waste to those who know exactly what they’re doing and why. When new jobs are created from a thousand bad ideas that turn into one or two brilliant ones that can provide a few people the American Dream that you obviously don’t have time for, well, that’s your waste of time. Now, go on back to your desk and answer to others like you have been trained to do or raise your little kittens to play with yarn balls. Your noose will never break, no need to hang in there. Enjoy your empty sandwich.

          Reply this comment

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