All-Time Top Comments and Insults Received by RkfdNews | Volume 1: 2012-Present

Official portrait of President Donald J. Trump, Friday, October 6, 2017. (Official White House photo © by Shealah Craighead)

Rockford, Illinois — Rockford area residents have spoken all over the internet the past few years. We’ve collected a few of their comments since 2012 and will be releasing volumes of statements and opinions left on RKFDnews social media feeds and on this site. We’ve left names out, though, if you beg, we’ll be more than happy to publish their names and court records. We actually have respect for non-tax-payer paid individuals in public positions of influence. Speaking to you, Rockford Register Star.

People, locals, especially locals in influential positions of power, seem to forget that we’ve been very clear about agreeing with them when they attack us for not being funny, or that we don’t understand what satire is. Are you not paying attention to us when we state clearly that we are a terrible social experiment which reflects the times, and in our case, predates fake news at the national level to mock your lack of intelligence at all costs?

Do you not believe us when we state we’re not satire, or fake news, or funny for that matter?

Are you too ignorant and proud to believe that what we’re telling you is simply all there is to all of this?

Are you that proud of your little college degrees and po’ dunk job experiences to go against the grain of ethics by making an assfuck out of yourselves on social media for not understanding from the get-go that we agree with you? That we are not funny? That we are not satire?

What about all of this convinces many of you to go to the far ends of the earth to commit slander in public forums? Are you that so far up your ass that you can’t smell what the Rockford is cooking, hillbillies?

Go stalk Francis Coppola and Rick Nielsen, you fucking creeps. Free and creepy is what you want and shovel out, and free and creepy is all you deserve. Here. Here’s your free social media data for the week.


I researched your entire family tree and it seems you were the sap.
You are so old, even your memory is in black and white.
Ever since I saw rkfdnews in my internet’s family tree news feed, I’ve wanted to cut it down.
You’re a person of rare intelligence. It’s rare when you show any.
I used to think that you were a big pain in the neck. Now I have a much lower opinion of you.

I know satire. My first job out of college was at The Onion, and you’re not funny. I am probably using words foreign to you, like job and college.

I heard your parents took you to a dog show and chief vannigan won.
They say Will Rogers never met a man he didn’t like, obviously he never met rkfdnews.
They say that two heads are better than one. In your case, one would have been better than none.
We all spring from apes, but you didn’t spring far enough.
In the battle of wits, you fight unarmed.
Someone said that you are not fit to sleep with pigs. I stuck up for the pigs.
Believe me, I don’t want to make a monkey out of you. Why should I take all the credit?
If ignorance is bliss, you chief tchad must be the happiest person on earth.
Is your name Dan Druff? You get into people’s hair.
Calling you an idiot would be an insult to all the stupid people who read thi site.
Your whole staff thinks cheerios are doughnut seeds.
If baby names were chosen based on your mom’s profession and your mom is a burger joint owner, your name would be Patty. You’re a patty cake.
I’m starting a club to capitalize on rkfdnews hipsters. It’s 10 dollars not to join.
You said the town was next to a volcano, but we went and there was no lava. I’m pretty sure it was just a mountain.
The animals at the zoo looked very sad and it made our children cry. Can’t they train them to smile?
The street signs weren’t in English. I don’t understand how anyone can get around.
I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry and I don’t like spicy food at all.
My boyfriend and I asked for single beds in our room and you gave us a double. Now I am pregnant.

I worked in a toy store once, about a decade ago, and one day when I was bored at the toy store, I set off an entire row of singing, talking Elmos at the same time, about twenty Elmos or so, and the result was… horrifying. And that is all. Not a long or hugely interesting story, really, but I just thought that you should know.

You are depriving some village somewhere of rkfdnews.
I don’t have the time or enough crayons to explain this to you idiots.
Your parents are disappointed in you rkfdnews.
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; you only gargled rock river water.
This stupid site is why I support rockford register star and rock river times.
I hope none of you at rkfdnews have children lord have mercy on rockford.
Fake news is the reason trump is president. I bet your entire staff voted for him. you are fake news!

To be continued. Go to hell, ya little ponies and carp!

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