Businessman’s Hair Gets Him “Da Shank”

02 Feb, 2015

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Rockford, IL Local Rockfordian and successful businessman David Johnson, 43, died after he was viciously assaulted with a beer bottle Saturday by a homeless crack dealer who is known around town simply as “The Pipe-Fitter”. The incident occurred Thursday near the corner of Kishwaukee and West State Street around 1:00 p.m. and lasted only a few minutes before a police cruiser happened by and officer Robert Tanks intervened.

“I was flabbergasted,” said Johnson. “He kept screaming and telling me my neck-beard insulted his people, that I was a poser or something. He was hard to understand with so few teeth.”

Apparently the homeless crack-addict and a group of his closest trash-fire companions have heard about Rockford’s skyrocketing crime rate and take great pride in it. He released a statement as he was being processed and released from police custody for the assault that has been declared a misdemeanor.

“Is da prizipo uh da ting,” Pipe-Fitter explained. Y’know, Rome weren’t build in a day. This suit come-a-walkin’ down ol’ Pipe-Fitter’s turf wih long hair ‘n’ a damn trash-diggin’ neck-beard and he gots himself da shank. It taken roll passion ti make this city what it is, ya can’t jez look da part and be havin’ peepo tink you da reason dis town at da topa da shit list. I beenz fittin’ pipes for o’er twinny years nah. It taken patienz and dedkishun ti bring this city don. This aw record. Will be nummer one, yo’ see.”

Johnson’s neck-beard along with his rather long hair had brought harassment many times before, but nothing that ever manifested in physical violence.

“I knew people I worked with talked about me behind my back saying I looked homeless or like a drug dealer, but this was totally unexpected. This experience has helped me realize two things: I’m so glad I live in Roscoe and also there simply are times when “taking the stairs and not the elevator” is life-threatening. From now on I’ll just drive my Porsche to Starbucks.”

Update:

Shortly after the police report was filed, David Johnson was shot as officer Robert Tanks was escorting him back to his place of employment. It is speculated that Tanks initially believed Johnson to be a homeless neck-bearder, then killed him when he found out he was rich and proceeded to steal his Porsche. He had this to say:

“I’m honored to contribute in any way to Rockford’s chances at a number one ranking for crime.”

The event was captured on the cruiser’s dash-cam. Tanks is currently on paid leave until the investigation into his actions blows over in a day or two and he is expected to return to the force by Wednesday.

More news as it develops.

–Farsley Barkle