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Dear Kardashians: Please Help Me Transform Rockford?

Dear Kardashians: Please Help Me Transform Rockford?


A new noose breaking advice column presented by’s staff reporters to address the city of Rockford’s personal needs, romantic dreams and fast food concerns with those who can really, really, really–like really–help transform our community, The Kardashians.

 February 11th, 2015

Hi Kim, Khloe, Mommy Kardashian, those other two sisters and Bruce,

I had a dream last night. Usually I fall back asleep after a few bottles of wine and a handful of pills, but this dream cried out for me to write you. Your family is unlike mine. You support each other, while mine? Not at all.  They gave me a cardboard refrigerator box to sleep in and said, “Good luck.” I will not let it stop me from Transforming Rockford.

Please don’t think of me as some nut job, my intents are good. I need your help and lots of money.  Anything you can do to help my dream come true without me lifting a finger will help transform the entire city of Rockford. Please hear me out, this is my dream:

portillos-jumbo-hot-dog-fries-chicagoMy dream is to build a niche hotel near the Rock River that sits above a Portillo’s, Boston Market and Starbucks in downtown Rockford. On the ground level of the hotel I would also like to establish the hotel’s bar/tapas/art/story telling/cafe/T-shirt screen print space for extremely biased and easily corrupted local artists to brag about my city of Rockford from within. I want my dream to Transform Rockford. Like really, you know? I want to do it in reality.

I’d also like a spacetrain station and horse trollies developed into the hotel’s plan.  The horses must have custom designer niche stalls affixed to the hotel to rest, sleep, eat, poop and be groomed for their work shifts.

Transportation is important. Getting people in and out of downtown Rockford with horses and spaceships for events will spur the local economy and Transform Rockford! I know it can work if you believe in my dream.

starbucks_logo_newI am asking that you, the Kardashians, pay for all of this. The hotel’s development, construction and integration into the community will be handled by me with you, the Kardashians, serving as our beneficiaries. I’d like to include our local tourism bureau, RACVB, the mayor, and our local housing organization, RHA. They are excellent with handling money for projects that aim to improve the city’s economic and spiritual woes.  No more negativity! Rockford can feel better!

I haven’t decided if we’ll involve the city’s preferred marketing firms like GrahamSpencer, PR, Etc. and KMK Media. I might actually open up the work for public bidding, or contract all of that work to local videographers to make YouTube and Vimeo videos to post on the internet.

I know you have your own TV show, maybe we can advertise my Transform Rockford dream on your show? That would be so fun.

Also, in my perfect dream, I’m hoping to score some TIF district and historical property tax exemptions for you as well.  To assist with the commercial property taxes that you’ll have to pay for my dream. I will run your empire in Rockford, IL, while you pay for it. No worries.  However, I’ll need as much money as you can give me to make my dream come true.

What do you think? Let’s Transform Rockford together? Please let me know either way.  Whatever your decision is, I’ll still respect your family and watch your TV show.


Lisa Soland
Staff Reporter,
Rockford, IL


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