Weatherman Warns Rockford Residents of Warmer Weather Crime
Warmer weather means higher crime for Rockford, IL, residents.
Rockford, IL – Local weatherman, Paul Thormstrum, had a few words of advice for residents awaiting the warmth of the sun after a brutal winter.
“With warmer weather in Rockford region comes more crime. Lock your f*cking doors. It’s as simple as that.”
Thormstrum believes that the cold winter kept criminals at bay for the last five months, but he sees Rockford defending its title as one of America’s most violent and dangerous cities with the anxious arrival of spring and summer upon us.
“I cannot stress how fortunate we were to enjoy negative degree weather. I left my doors unlocked for weeks and not one person robbed and stabbed me,” said the weatherman.
Thormstrum added, “We must take precaution with the warm western winds blowing in. Stock up on AK-47s, SPF-50 sun tan lotion, Claritin, Mosquito Repellent, and HD Security camera systems to backup an ADT system.”
You will know less when we learn more.™
– Gilbert Grebner
Related Articles
RKFDNEWS EXCLUSIVE: Michael Kleen, 2013 Mayoral Candidate, Reveals New Book: “Rockford Confidential”
Rockford, IL – Michael Kleen, author and former 2013 city of Rockford mayoral candidate, has contacted our staff with exclusive
Rockford Scanner Defeated by Totalitarianism, Fascism, Socialism, and a touch of Communism
Rockford, IL – We will miss you for every smile and laugh you gave our staff around the clock. Rest
Manhunt For Johnny Continues
Law enforcement agents are calling off an exhausting search of fields and parks near Rockford for a 23-year-old pot smoker
Thank you for spending time with us on the internet. Please waste more time and energy by sharing your internet emotions below: