Weatherman Warns Rockford Residents of Warmer Weather Crime

Weatherman Warns Rockford Residents of Warmer Weather Crime
Warmer weather means higher crime for Rockford, IL, residents.

Warmer weather means higher crime for Rockford, IL, residents.

Rockford, IL – Local weatherman, Paul Thormstrum, had a few words of advice for residents awaiting the warmth of the sun after a brutal winter.

“With warmer weather in Rockford region comes more crime. Lock your f*cking doors.  It’s as simple as that.”

Thormstrum believes that the cold winter kept criminals at bay for the last five months, but he sees Rockford defending its title as one of America’s most violent and dangerous cities with the anxious arrival of spring and summer upon us.

“I cannot stress how fortunate we were to enjoy negative degree weather.  I left my doors unlocked for weeks and not one person robbed and stabbed me,” said the weatherman.

Thormstrum added, “We must take precaution with the warm western winds blowing in.  Stock up on AK-47s, SPF-50 sun tan lotion, Claritin, Mosquito Repellent, and HD Security camera systems to backup an ADT system.”

You will know less when we learn more.™

– Gilbert Grebner



Related Articles

Bees Removed From City Hall but The Hornets Nest Remains In Downtown Rockford

Rockford, IL – A tree in front of The Rockford City Hall has been a home to 20,000 plus bees.

Happy Unemployed Educated Males Baffles Nation’s Best Psychotherapists According To A New Regional Report

Rockford, IL –  Northern IL is known for baffling the rest of the country with poor economic statistics.  Natives often

Loose Lips, Tight Pants, Keeps Rockford Man Looking For Love in 2015

Rockford, IL – Brad Hinnasborgcorona-Morrissey, single 28 year old Rockford man, is happy as he approaches 2015. “I’ve got loose

No comments

Write a comment
No Comments Yet! You can be first to comment this post!

Write a Comment

Thank you for spending time with us on the internet. Please waste more time and energy by sharing your internet emotions below:

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.