Weatherman Warns Rockford Residents of Warmer Weather Crime
Warmer weather means higher crime for Rockford, IL, residents.
Rockford, IL – Local weatherman, Paul Thormstrum, had a few words of advice for residents awaiting the warmth of the sun after a brutal winter.
“With warmer weather in Rockford region comes more crime. Lock your f*cking doors. It’s as simple as that.”
Thormstrum believes that the cold winter kept criminals at bay for the last five months, but he sees Rockford defending its title as one of America’s most violent and dangerous cities with the anxious arrival of spring and summer upon us.
“I cannot stress how fortunate we were to enjoy negative degree weather. I left my doors unlocked for weeks and not one person robbed and stabbed me,” said the weatherman.
Thormstrum added, “We must take precaution with the warm western winds blowing in. Stock up on AK-47s, SPF-50 sun tan lotion, Claritin, Mosquito Repellent, and HD Security camera systems to backup an ADT system.”
You will know less when we learn more.™
– Gilbert Grebner
Related Articles
Nintendo’s Mario Beat Up By Video-Game-Racists & Film Crew
Rockford, IL – According to the very popular, local, celebrity crime reporters, Rockford Scanner, something ridiculous went down on the
RKFDP Officers and Fox Standoff Ends In Sticky Situation
Rockford, IL – A very sticky situation went down in Rockford last night. A Fox defending himself with his gluegun was
11 Year Old Pony Shot By RKFDP
Rockford, IL – An 11-year-old pony was shot Saturday night while galloping near the Fairgrounds Valley housing project. RKFDP (Rockford
Thank you for spending time with us on the internet. Please waste more time and energy by sharing your internet emotions below: