What Happens When the Polar Bear & Donkey Walk Into a Rockford Lonestar To Tear Some Sh*t Up?

Rockford, IL – A polar bear and a donkey walked into a steak bar on the east side of Rockford.  A night of intended pleasure turned into a Rockford massacre at the popular Lonestar Steak Tavern.

Witnesses at LoneStar say that the polar bear saddled up to the bar and tried ordering some shrimp de john but the bartender said, “You want the shrimp de john? How bout you take your white ass down the road to Red Lobster, Polar Bear. And take your jack ass friend with you.”  And that’s when all f%cking hell went down.

The donkey slowly looked around the room and back at the bartendar demanding, “Well then. Looks like shrimp de john is tomorrow night’s snack. I’d like two beef angus hotdogs, slightly charred, and a pitcher of Coors Light for my friend and I before we tear some of deez fat asses up in dis joint what.” (Wait, what?)

Jeremy Cavanaugh was sitting a few seats away eating a baked potatoe and overheard the bartendar lean in to tell the polar bear and the donkey, “We don’t serve your kind here. You hear me, Jack Ass? It’s best you and your Polar Bear friend take yourselves down to the Long John Silvers for the shrimp de john before I call the Rockford Dream Police.” Cavanaugh saw everything unfold from there. He told rkfdnews:

“The polar bear and the donkey weren’t having it. F**king sh*t got real dawg. The donkey took the bartender’s head off of his neck with his paws and held it out for the polar bear to eat. He grabbed the salt and pepper, shook it on the bartender lady’s head and yelled for a waiter to bring him some A1 Steak Sauce.  

One of my favorite waitresses, Linda, threw the A1 steak sauce at the Polar Bear and he caught it with his mouth, ripped off the top cap and poured all of the steak sauce on the bartender’s head.  Then they ate the bartender like she was a rack of ribs, tearing the meat off her bones.  

It was disgusting, dawg. Know what I’m sayin’? Word.

Then those mother fuckers looked at me like I was next on their dinner plate and at first I said, “Sup,” but then I was like, “Aw hell naw. You ain’t fenda eat my ass dawg.”

I grabbed my cheddar baked potato and ran for my life.”

Seven children and twenty-nine adults were devoured by the polar bear and donkey, including the entire waitstaff and restaurant managers. The two animals were last seen galloping down Perryville Road and onto 173 towards Rock Cut State Park.  Lonestar is closed until further notice, but store managers asked that we tell Rockfordians to enjoy a shrimp de john meal at Red Lobster, Long John Silvers or Olive Garden until they reopen.

You will learn more when we know less.™

Ron Kites

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