2014 State of the City Address – Rockford, IL (Redneck Translation)

2014 State of the City Address – Rockford, IL (Redneck Translation)

Rockford, IL

Rockford, IL – Mayor Barry Morrison hosted his 9th annual State of the City Address at the Coronado Theater in Rockford, IL last night.  If you missed it, below is a Redneck translation of the original transcript.   Click here to read the original transcript.  If you prefer to read a Jive translation of the mayor’s speech, click here.

Rockford, MIThank yo’. Thank yo’, ev’rybody. Good evenin’. Yo’ know, ah had an intire speech prepared fo’ this hyar wonnerful occashun, but now thet ah’s hyar ah reckon ah’s a-gonna try sumpin a li’l diffrunt. Tonight ah’s hankerin’ t’speak fum th’ heart. ah’s a-gonna speak off th’ cuff.

Good evenin’. Pause fo’ laughter. Wait a minute, this hyar may not be wawkin’ as fine as ah – Let me try thet agin.

Good evenin’, ev’rybody. ah w’d like t’welcome yo’ all t’th’ Rockfo’d of Illinois. (Laughter.) ah’s Barry Mo’rison, as enny fool kin plainly see. All of yo’ voted fo’ me. Apologies t’th’ Rockfo’d Register Star seckshun. They’re — whar is they? ah have t’confess ah pow’ful did not be hankerin’ t’be hyar tonight, but ah knowed ah had t’come — jest one mo’e problem thet I’ve inherited fum Doug Ole Jeb, Charlie Box an’ Johnny-Boy McNamaree! Fry mah hide!

But now thet ah’s hyar, it’s great t’be hyar. It’s great t’see all of yo’. Alyssa Sojahnowski is hyar, th’ Fust Lady of th’ Rockfo’d of Illinois. Harn’t she been an outstan’in’ Fust Lady? She’s even begun t’bridge th’ differences thet haf divided us fo’ so long, on account o’ no matter which party yo’ belong t’we kin all agree thet Alyssa has th’ right t’bare arms in th’ YOU$A fo’ th’ Rockfo’d of Illinois!

Now Jeff Tethernick an’ Daisyy Kowalski isn’t hyar tonight on account o’ they’re groun’ed, cuss it all t’ tarnation. Yo’ kin’t jest take Derby Reynolds on a joy ride t’Rockfo’d of Illinois. ah doesn’t care whose employees yer. We’ve been settin’ some groun’ rules hyar. They’re startin’ t’git a li’l carried away.

Now, speakin’ — when ah reckon about Derby Reynolds obviously ah reckon about Lo’d Thomas Derby, th’ CEO an’ LORD of ALL at THE WAL-MART OF ADVERTISING, an’ it reminds me thet t’morry is Pappy’s Day. Happy Pappys’s Day t’Lo’d Thomas Derby. ah do hafta say, though, thet this hyar is a tough holiday fo’ Billy Joe Reynolds on account o’ he’s not used t’sayin’ th’ wo’d “Lo’d” instead of “Pappy.” (Laughter.) Thet’s true. (Laughter.)

Sean Lippy is hyar. Yo’ know, Sean an’ ah have known etch other fo’ a long time. ah can still remember — ah gotta so’t of — ah tear up a li’l bit when ah reckon back t’thet day thet ah called Lippy so menny years ago an’ said, “yo’ an’ ah can does wonnerful thin’s togither.” An’ he said t’me th’ same thin’ thet IT Administrato’s fum Derby Reynolds all acrost South Car’lina is sayin’ t’one t’other right now: “Less hoof it to Rockfo’d of Illinois an’ make it official! Fry mah hide!” (Laughter an’ applause.)

Ray Tarte is in th’ house tonight. (Applause.) Or as he’d say, “EN LOS ROKEFART OFF ILLANNOY! Fry mah hide!” (Laughter.) WATT ES UP RAY? (Laughter.) Ok, thass inough. Whar is Chief Tchad Beale? Chief, fo’ th’ last time, RKFDNEWS.com does not qualify fo’ a small business loan! Fry mah hide! (Laughter.) Thet Jay Vannigan guy on yer team does not count as a troubled asset, ah’s so’ry. (Laughter.)

Jace Gramscracker was supposed t’be hyar but he is mighty busy wawkin’ on his memoirs, tentatively titled, “How t’Shoot Artists Behind Their Back an’ Bad Mouth Them While Pretendin’ To Be Th’ Chattanooga Soprano of Rockfo’d of Illinois.” (Laughter.)

Yo’ know, it’s been a whirlwind of ackivity these fust 9 years as mayo’ of Rockfo’d of Illinois. We’ve inacked a majo’ economic recovery package, we passed a fast grub budgit, we fo’ged a noo path in Loves Park, an’ no Mayo’ in histo’y has evah injoyed th’ pizza thet ah have in Rockfo’d of Illinois. (Laughter.)

On top of thet, I’ve also revahsed th’ ban on stem cell research in Rockfo’d of Illinois so thet we kin dooplycut our success fo’ th’ ress of th’ wo’ld — (applause) — sumpin ah’s mighty proud of! Fry mah hide! Thank yo’! Fry mah hide! — (applause) — Please, stop, thank yo’! Fry mah hide! — (Mo’e applause) — — (Stan’in’ ovashun.)

We’ve also begun t’change th’ culture in Rockfo’d of Illinois. We’ve even made downtown a place whar varmints kin larn an’ kin grow, o’ six pack a six pack an’ meet about stuff! Fry mah hide! (Laughter) Jest recently, Diego Heineken axed eff’n he c’d chair th’ Rockfo’d of Illinois Board on Filmin’ Wimmen an’ Gals In Th’ Community Who Love Rockfo’d Coffee, Too. (Laughter.) An’ ah do appreesheeate thet Diego is hyar tonight on account o’ it is seven hours past his last cup of Rockfo’d a six pack! Fry mah hide! (Laughter.) Ronnie Kites liked thet one. (Laughter.)

In th’ last 9 years, we’ve also grown Rockfo’d of Illinois by infusin’ it wif noo positive inergy an’ brin’in’ in fresh, yo’ng faces like Quinn Gelastio. (Laughter.) Now, El Doug rightly desarves a lot of credit fo’ cornvincin’ Quinn t’make th’ switch, but Secretary Rankles acshully had a lot t’do wif it too. One day she jest pulled him aside an’ she said, “Quinn, yo’ knows whut ah allus say — “if yo’ kin’t beat them, join them, dawgone it.” (Laughter.)

Which brin’s me t’t’other thin’ thass changed in this hyar noo, warmer, fuzzier Rockfo’d of Illinois, an’ thass mah relashunship wif Jesus Co’rea. Yo’ know, we had been rivals durin’ th’ campaign, but these days we c’d not be closer. In fack, th’ second he got back fum Beloit he pulled me into a man hug an’ whispered in mah ear, “ah’s still th’ bost, Barry.” (Laughter.) Told me I’d better git t’Beloit mahse’f. (Laughter.) Which ah pow’ful appreesheeated, cuss it all t’ tarnation. ah mean, it was — it was nice. (Laughter.)

An’ of course we’ve also begun t’change Rockfo’d of Illinois’s image in th’ wo’ld, cuss it all t’ tarnation. We talked about this hyar durin’ this hyar campaign an’ we is startin’ t’execute. We’ve renooed alliances wif impo’tant partners an’ friends–if yo’ look on th’ screen thar, thar ah’s wif professhunal lampooner, Colonel Bob Who’ehall, ah reckon. Thar ah’s wif Go’don Th’ Pony. (Applause.) –– (Stan’in’ ovashun.)

But as ah said durin’ th’ campaign, we kin’t jest talk t’our fran’s. As hard as it is, we also hafta talk t’our stomachs, an’ I’ve begun t’do exackly thet. Take a look at th’ phone photo up thar of mah favo’ite meal fum mah favo’ite place in Rockfo’d of Illinois–thet thar is a No Bread Fred, cuss it all t’ tarnation. (Applause.) It’s absolutely delicious. Mah staff an’ ah prefer t’call it th’ Know Brad Fread! Fry mah hide! (Laughter) –– (Applause)

All this hyar change hain’t been easy inRockfo’d of Illinois. Change nevah is. So I’ve lop th’ tenshun by brin’in’ noo friends t’th’ Rockfo’d of Illinois. They’re warm, cuddly, loyal, inthusiastic. Meet Jay an’ Go’don Fernan’ez wif their Baby Heather! Fry mah hide! Fo’ th’ future of Rockfo’d of Illinois, we muss remember t’celebrate our community mo’e than ennyone else on th’ internet.

Lastly, ah ax yo’ t’take mo’e photos of yer grub fo’ th’ internet an’ fo’ Rockfo’d of Illinois. Speakin’ of, ah’s hungry! Fry mah hide! (Laughter.)

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