8 Reasons Why You Might Be a Rockford Millennial Already

18 Jan, 2015

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Rockford, IL – 2014 was all about transformation. 2015 is all about millennials.  Are you a Millennial? Do you want to be one?  There’s a strong chance that many young Rockfordians are Millennials already.  Here’s a list of examples:

1a.  Graduated college to move back home into your parents basement, old bedroom or car.

1b.Or, you are one of the lucky, fortunate sons and daughters of the Rockford Trust Fund Corp. who moves back to take a position at mommy or daddy’s company, while living / inheriting one of their properties to reside in or above.

2. Graduated college with thousands of dollars in school loans, despite working your way through college, to realize that the jobs you had in college and high school paid much, much, much better than the jobs you’re seeking in Rockford, IL. To top it off, the bosses and employers you had previously were much more ethical and rewarded you with thank yous and pay raises for hard work and a kind, giving attitude. Alas, all of that good stuff, hard work / study hard nonsense is over and you’re headed home as a Millennial and to the nearest bar, Chucky Cheese or Applebees for a job to pay for your next cell phone bill so that you can stay connected with your old college friends on Facebook, for networking and job seeking purposes even though you’re slowly sure to realize that you have earned nothing compared to many people who hang out on Facebook not looking for work.  However hard you try to keep up your LinkedIn account, you’re still failing – see #1a.

3. While enjoying a few years of serious, career-related job searching and hanging out on LinkedIn.com–and working two to three part time jobs to save some money (while still living at home)–you decide to pay your school loan lenders at least $50-100 a month so that they back off a bit with their phone calls and collection/trade/sell back threats.

4. After moving out of your parents basement and into your own apartment by age 30, you celebrate the life you chose by getting fucked up with your old high school friends who have children, nice home(s), some horses and a speedboat.  NOTE:  No matter how hard you try to understand what happened in life, and how hard you have worked to posses nothing that is of some sort of American value, they are not millennials.

5. As you approach 40, you realize that you earned more money, saved easier, and had better health benefits working the jobs you had from ages 14-21.  Relocating is near impossible with all of the debts you’ve accrued from having a college education that you can’t pay back in a timely manner along with trying to pay the bills that prove you’re a somewhat civilized human being, if not a failure.

6. Fearing your life is slipping away without a family of your own, you court another Millennial who is just as broke as you are, can’t afford a trip to the Dr. yet wants to have your baby.  Because, let’s face it, you’re a goddamned genius who somehow ended up as a Rockford Millennial

7. And so you and your Millennial lover make the baby to prove you’re not gay to your family, friends and Rockford hillbillies, but also to feel less alone if you possibly make it to age 80 and need someone to look over all of your life’s debts.  DON’T WORRY! You are now a married millennial couple with child that qualifies for the tax breaks that your dumb ass fucking friends got in their twenties, which went towards their speedboats and home improvements.  Congrats, America!

8. Knowing that you are now raising a child in this world, you’ve come to the conclusion that your life is over and you simply don’t give a fuck anymore about the American Dream, Rockford’s transformation, hope, progress, hard work and a decent attitude– and neither do your Millennial friends.

If you match any of the examples on the list above, you are a goddamned Rockford Millennial. Welcome to the Titanic, m*therf*ckers!

Ron Kites