Breaking News

Oldest North American Tree Accidentally Discovered in Rockford

Oldest North American Tree Accidentally Discovered in Rockford

treeringsRockford, IL – The City of Rockford’s Parks and Recreation Department (RPRD) accidentally discovered another reason to label our region “The Forest City“:  A Giant Sequoia tree was removed from the property currently occupied by Portillo’s during it’s construction in early 2015.

RPRD officials are claiming that the tree was thought to be “old and diseased” before uprooting it from the earth, which is now a fast-food restaurant parking lot.  Environmental protection and investigation agents  stepped in last year to retrieve the sliced trunk remnants after a tip was placed to investigate the Rockford area for illegal tree removals.

The Giant Sequoia’s rings have revealed that the tree was alive before its removal, and approaching 6,591 years in age, making it the oldest known tree in America.  The oldest living tree was thought to be a Great Basin Bristlecone Pine, located in White Mountains, California.

Transformation takes sacrifice,” said Lon Thorsberg, the city’s tree zoning director of fertilization and removal. “The people of Rockford asked for beef. That’s what we gave them. We’re sorry about the tree. No one gives a shit anyway.

You’ll learn more when we know less.

– Jay Vannigan

Tags assigned to this article:
north americaoldest treeportillosrockford

Related Articles

Kansas, Wilco, and Hanley Building Family Come Together For Concert Benefit Event

Kansas (the state’s marching band) and Rockford area natives, Wilco, will perform a benefit concert for the Hanley Building on Oct

School Board Dividing New Mega Schools According to Nationality for Rick Springfield’s Efficiency

Rockford, IL – RPS205309 (the Rockford Public School District) representatives have been trying to explain to the community that the

Local Criminals Giving Thanks For Free XBox Machine

Rockford, IL – Local criminals have gathered by the dozens throughout the Northern IL state-line.  They are giving thanks today


Write a comment
  1. Donald 17 March, 2016, 08:20

    Wow for that douchbag to say nobody gives a shit he should be punched in the throat, that would have gave rockford the oldest tree, yes people give a shit. I bet rockford would have had alot more visitors to see the tree than people coming from out of town to go to portillos. Makes me fucking sick that they cut it down but then for that bitch to say nobody cares

    Reply this comment
  2. Nikki Heeren Schoeny 17 February, 2016, 17:21

    You guys do realize this is a satire site, right?

    Reply this comment
  3. Lisa 15 February, 2016, 10:57

    To Lon Thorsberg, transformation does take sacrifice, so lets say you step out of your position because nobody gives a shit about you anyway!!

    Reply this comment
  4. L 15 February, 2016, 10:41

    Lon Thorsberg is an arrogant ass. We need someone in his place that actually cares about this city maybe it will change things a little.

    Reply this comment
  5. Okeyma Lundin 10 February, 2016, 23:04

    I wont be eating at portillos Ever!! Can you imagine the tourist attractions it would have brought.. Smh.

    Reply this comment
  6. DCP 10 February, 2016, 01:16

    Thank you for spending time with us on the internet. Please waste more time and energy by sharing your internet emotions below: STHAP IT!!!!!! BWAHAHAH!

    Reply this comment

Write a Comment

Thank you for spending time with us on the internet. Please waste more time and energy by sharing your internet emotions below:

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.