Posts From Ron Kites
Back to homepageRon Kites
Locals Protest Free Parenting Classes
Rockford, IL – A large crowd of 70,000 misinformed Rockford area parents of all shapes and sizes, single and nuclear, gathered outside of the RPS205 building in downtown Rockford to protest free parenting classes being offered by the City of
Read More
Yahoo Finance Implies Rockford is #2 American City to be Done For… Duh
Rockford, IL – Yahoo Finance published a report listing 10 American cities that will not recover from the Great Recession. The irony is that Rockford never recovered from the late 70s-early 80s recession which began the four decade defeat of
Read More
Rockford Scanner Defeated by Totalitarianism, Fascism, Socialism, and a touch of Communism
Rockford, IL – We will miss you for every smile and laugh you gave our staff around the clock. Rest in peace or until you come back with major changes made to accomodate our city’s leaders, RockfordScanner. The very popular
Read More
Local Celebrity and Founder of Rockford Scanner Releases Personal Website
Rockford, IL – Over 40,000 people in the Rockford area have gravitated towards RockfordScanner.com for misspelled and inaccurate details on the hour. It’s something the Onion came up with years ago but real. Real, original Rockford real. That kind. Founder and
Read More
Romance On The Rise In Rockford, Neighbors Speak Out
Romance is drastically on the rise in Rockford, IL, since July 4th. These acts of romance have been reported: The birthing of a 0-year-old boy in the back of whale’s butt on Tuesday as he stood outside the whale’s butt
Read More
Channel 32 Fires Photographers & Videographers, Pays Part-Time Volunteers With Baseball Hats
Rockford, IL – The head news guy at Channel 32, Hearty Martman, announced that the news station will be effectively firing all full time videographers and photographers this weekend and replacing them with part-time, iPhone equipped, people who like hats
Read More