Renegade Alderman Dismantles Billboards Overnight To Initiate Rockford Transformation By Eliminating Erect Messages

03 Aug, 2014

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Rockford Alderman wants to remove billboards in The Rockford to transform motorists thoughts. Seriously.

Rockford, IL– The war on crime, illiteracy and unemployment took a detour last night when city council’s most outspoken leader, Dom Thirmkey, took matters of transforming The Rockford into a thing of the past by dismantling a few billboards.

Thirmkey leads the city’s Planning and Development committee and has been quoted by the Rockford Register Star as stating, “they’re a distraction for motorists,” and that they’re “unsightly”.   Thirmkey adds, “I’m in favor of taking them all down over time.”

Alderman Dom Thirmkey leads the city’s Planning and Development committee by taking the advice of Rockford’s favorite restaurant, “Live Outside The Bun”.

“Billboards are very naughty,” added Thirmkey. “The way they stand there, so erect, gives motorists the wrong thoughts.  We must transform the way The Rockford thinks and the first step towards that is to remove erect messages.”

To prove his point, Thirmkey rounded up a few of his city council friends last night and took a stroll for transformation.  They headed up and down major Rockford streets with their tool boxes to dismantle the large erect advertisements.  Local advertisers are not happy.

“Let’s see them  fucking idiots down at city hall figure out where a little bit of the community’s cash flow is going to come now that tore down the “Culver’s is 2 Miles Ahead!” billboards,” said Lauren Klampoh, owner of Mally’s Billboards and Slots.

Our city’s most famous billboard could end up a victim of Alderman Dom Thirmkey’s violent campaign to end erect messages.

Thirmkey couldn’t be reached by RKFDnews.com for a comment because, well, you really can’t make this shit up. For the real noose, head on over to our future daughter station, Rockford Register Star, for the rest of the story, click here. 

(Meanwhile in The Rockford:  Stabbings, shootings, layoffs, DUIs, drug busts, fast food runs, police chief vs. the union, the mayor vs. his cup of coffee, Facebook status updates and home invasions continued at an entertaining pace.)

You will learn more when we, er, nah. Probably not. No one can afford to pay us to save you from hanging yourselves in public, Rockford.

– Theodore Lepolli