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Turkey Vulture Mutilates 4-Year-Old Girl

Turkey Vulture Mutilates 4-Year-Old Girl

Rockford, IL – RKFDP (Rockford Dream Police) were called at 4:35 PM yesterday after neighbors heard Cathleen Buchareli, the mother of two, screaming for help. The situation is unheard-of and tragic, as turkey assaults are not as common as human home invasions in the Rockford region.  The 4-year-old victim lost her left eye and will need multiple surgeries on her face, neck, and left foot to correct the damage inflicted by the large, usually docile bird.

“Turkey Vultures have never had a great reputation,” says Officer Nicki Jacobs. “Last year, they are thought to be responsible for six area pet deaths and numerous other attacks that we couldn’t attribute to humans,” added Jacobs. “However, nothing like this most recent attack has ever been reported. Turkey Vultures do not usually attack anything.”

Turkeys are scavengers by nature and aren’t typically in this region until late May. In recent years the local population has been acting quite strange, and so has my girlfriend.  Last night she made me baked chicken. (“I don’t eat chicken,” I told her. “I eat turkey.” True story.)

“This behavior can be chalked up to global warming,” says local turkey vulture expert Dr. Jeff Homan “Bare with me here, recent high temperatures during incubation cause more turkey vulture eggs to develop into males. This has been happening for years. Now, the breeding population is over 65% male… which causes a sort of sexual tension and makes the birds more aggressive and desperate.”

A flock of Turkey Vultures near Heartland Church

A flock of Turkey Vultures near Heartland Church

The girl is in stable but critical condition at Rockford Memorial Hospital. At this time the police department and the family of the victim aren’t releasing any more details about the attack. With out to much speculation, I asked Dr. Homan to explain what a vulture attack might be like.

“The turkey vulture has extremely large talons that can easily pierce flesh and a beak designed to tear apart tough, dried-up corpses. I don’t particularly care to image what the attack would be like.” He goes on to explain that the turkey vulture will also spray the contents of it’s stomach, which is highly acidic, at a perceived threat.

We’ll keep you posted as more details come in. For now, watch the sky and keep your kids close.

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Write a comment
  1. dawn 11 March, 2016, 08:22

    Turkey vulture talons are not piercing. They also have weak feet and toes. The best they can do it perch and maybe scratch.

    The nature of this article makes me doubt all of the report.

    Reply this comment
  2. AlfredoAnaya23 11 March, 2016, 00:13

    Just wanna say Hank killed it,no matter what you foolish critics think, it was a good read and everything was in good taste, also i enjoyed reading the butt hurt comments, made my day mostly knowing feeble minded people dont have a dense sense of humor, i mean come on now this isnt even at all dark humor, well anyways thanks for the news for me you curved the hurt i felt for the girl and for that i thank you.

    Reply this comment
  3. Jay 10 March, 2016, 17:20

    What an awful article… A little girl was seriously injured and all the author can do is crack a joke about turkey attacks, say how awful humans are, and then try to link the incident to global warming??? Very sad situation, and if that was my child I would be be beyond mad about this author’s tasteless article. I never comment on anything online, but this disgusted me so much that I could not help myself.

    Reply this comment
    • Hank Co-Chief Author 14 March, 2016, 08:08

      Me so sorry Jay… I was raised by feral cats and thus lack human compassion. Everybody knows cats don’t care about 4-year-old kids. My job is to deliver you noose. I was hired because of my inability to empathize… so, not sorry actually.

      Reply this comment
  4. Citizen 10 March, 2016, 10:13

    Making a turkey joke in an article where a 4 year old was mutilated…Either this is satire or you are very insensitive. Hope you choked on the chicken.

    Reply this comment
  5. Debra 10 March, 2016, 08:44

    Turkey vultures are not related to ‘turkeys’ they are called turkey vultures because of their large size. Also they use their beaks to tear not tare tough skin.

    Reply this comment
    • Hank Co-Chief Author 10 March, 2016, 08:58

      thank u debbie but we know more than u… we have an expert on turkey vultures. glad you enjoyed our breaking noose. please remember we don’t claim turkeys are related to turkey vultures and our english skill are real good compared to most of our city. till next time, EYES TO THE SKY!

      Reply this comment

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